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Domestic Violence Services in Wisconsin - Do They Serve Men? Part 3
Guest Post Daniel Carver
February 28, 2025
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This is part three of a three part series written by an anonymous gentleman who is going under the name of Daniel Carver. Daniel uses his own experience and exposes the misandry of the Wisconsin Domestic Violence system.

 


Part 3 – Systemic Corruption, What Can We Do About It?

I asked ChatGPT about which countries have overcome corruption in their governments. It offered this good piece of advice for common strategies to avoid government corruption:

“Common Strategies in These Countries [that have less corruption]:

Independent Institutions: Strong, impartial enforcement agencies that tackle corruption without political interference. 
Transparency and Accountability: Open access to government data and information, coupled with systems that hold officials accountable. 

Rule of Law: Strict adherence to the law, with well-functioning judicial systems to ensure justice. 
Civic Engagement: Encouragement of public participation and a free press to monitor and report misconduct. 
Ethical Leadership: Political leaders committed to maintaining integrity and leading by example.

While these countries excel in minimizing corruption, they remain vigilant and continuously adapt their strategies to maintain high standards of governance. “

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Hopefully, our Wisconsin legislators (both state and federal) will read this series and lay awake at night wondering which one of their sons, brothers, uncles, grandsons, or men in their family could be the next one to end up spending several days in jail, tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, assumed a wife beater regardless of any evidence or common sense; all because his wife or girlfriend attacked him in their home without any accountability or her even being questioned.

Maybe then, our state statutes will finally get fixed and public assistance money allocated fairly and justly to all citizens and taxpayers. Maybe then, the Governor’s Council on Domestic Abuse will be 50% men and announce their meetings a month in advance. Maybe then a concerned citizen, or male DV victim, could get onto their meeting agenda. Maybe the child services office would be required by law to answer a man’s plea for help for his children being beaten by their mother? Maybe our DV shelters will be required by law to provide 50% of their services to men by having DV advocates that can and do relate to the average guy?

In conclusion I want to offer some practical solutions as starting points to begin to fix these systemic problems.

First idea is the easiest one that could be implemented tomorrow at a cost of zero dollars! We would simply require every law enforcement officer, social worker, public school teacher, DV advocate employed by the state, and our state legislators to watch this free video by the leading international domestic violence expert, Dr. John Hamel. Did I mention that this would be completely free, at no cost to anyone!

John Hamel, Ph.D., LCSW - Domestic Violence Expert in the CA Court System

Second idea is for several different people around the country (men or women) to make recordings of a phone call to ask a basic question. I suggest a coordinated effort among men’s rights advocates, hopefully one in each of 50 states and each province in Canada if it is legal to record audio there. At least spread out around the US to show it is a wide spread problem. NOTE: there are possible legal ramifications of recording someone’s voice without their permission. Some states allow this and in some states it is against the law ! So first make sure that it is legal to do in your state and document the law that allows it. Each caller must live in that state to make sure they are in that legal jurisdiction. Do we have any volunteers that will commit to being the coordinator of these undercover audio recordings?

 

Note that is it very important to let them know at the beginning of the call that you are “NOT in an emergency situation”, that you are just calling to ask about services offered. This is a very important step, for them especially because remember you are calling a domestic violence center. We never want to give the perception that we are pretending to be in an emergency situation; that would be terribly unethical and is probably illegal in some places.

Then just ask them “I just called to ask for a friend, does your organization have a way to help men that are victims of domestic violence”? I put this in quotes because we need to have every caller that does this ask the exact same question; that’s what makes it a study and gives it more validity. Then we save all those recordings and hopefully we can compile transcripts of their answers. Then we’d have the documentation needed to get the ACLU to file a class action lawsuit against every state that participated. Do we have any lawyers that volunteer to help us build this case?

Third idea to fix systemic corruption: The minor children in a Wisconsin divorce case are assigned a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). Those available to serve in this role are…….…mostly women. There is no requirement that these legal authorities must write out their assessment or recommendation that they give to the court who determines child custody.

Nor are the GALs legally liable to be fair and equitable to both parents! They simply go into the courtroom and make a verbal recommendation, often without even any justification of any kind, and the court almost always accepts that and acts upon that recommendation. The GAL is effectively determining child custody in lieu of the court, and does not even write any record of their recommendation or justification ! Incredible.

 

This is flat out systemic corruption as you would see in a communist country. We should change this, at the very least, require a written recommendation with justification. Furthermore, a summary of that GAL’s history of recommendations must be made available to the public & downloadable from a website. Names or locations of the people in the cases need not be public, but a statistical summary, per GAL, of these recommendations must be easily and readily available to those community members. The idea is to help prevent the gender bias in child custody that we all know is ubiquitous across the USA and most of the rest of the world too. I’m certain that eliminating that gender bias in courtrooms would reduce the divorce rate because every women would think twice about it if she knew that it would likely result in a true 50/50 custody arrangement.

Fourth idea is that we need a state law that requires the 35 DV shelters in Wisconsin to hire just as many straight male DV advocates as they have female DV advocates. The number of male advocates must be 95+% overall throughout the state, heterosexual. This is because 98% of the male demographic served by most DV shelters are straight men. The two most important things a DV victim needs when they ask for government assistance is a place to live for a while and an advocate that can relate to them, validates them, listens with empathy, understands them, and shares the perspective of a straight man who tried to get his wife or girlfriend to calm down and be reasonable instead of the extreme violence behind closed doors.

To understand my point better; imagine for a minute a straight woman DV victim who is beaten by her husband, runs out of her house with no other place to sleep for the night, it is -10 degrees outside, she goes to the local shelter, and a lesbian greets her at the door to invite her in to sleep there for the night!

Many Wisconsin DV shelters advertise on their website LGBQ resources available. Why don’t they also advertise STRAIGHT resources available and then provide those services too? Straight is the most common category by far (way over 90%) the bulk of the taxpayer base. If we are going to categorize everyone by their sexual orientation, then government services should be offered to all citizens and advertised in said categories, with funding proportional to their demographic category.

Fifth idea to stop the systemic corruption is the best one, yet also the most difficult to accomplish. It literally requires an act of congress. Every DV shelter in Wisconsin has a taxpayer funded Director’s position that is basically the CEO of that DV shelter. That position is always held by a woman who was appointed or just hired by the HR office. A few miles away is the local Sheriff’s office and that Sheriff had to win a public election in order to be Sheriff.

The reason for the election is because the Sheriff has immense authority and power over the general public (lethal force, and to arrest). An election is required so that if bias or corruption begins to happen in the law enforcement, the public can elect someone else that will be fair and equitable to all citizens.

What is needed is a change in Wisconsin law (statutes) that requires the Director of Domestic Violence Shelter position to be an elected official exactly like the Sheriff’s position; and for the same reasons.

The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) positions for our children should be elected positions as well, for the same reason we elect judges.

Sixth idea to fix the systemic corruption is an organization that is set up for this very purpose regarding child custody. Mark Ludwig founded the Americans for Equal Shared Parenting, you can learn more at their website here. This organization has had some lobbying successes legislatively regarding Title-IV- D. They welcome anyone that wants to help there efforts change the systemic corruption in family courts corrected through changes in state laws.

Seventh and final idea to fix systemic corruption is more ideological. It is to get our representatives, legislators, and government official to open their eyes to the clear gender bias against men that is being considered to become legislation. We need to make phone calls and emails and speak up at town hall meetings (unfortunately these are rare). We must learn from the huge mistake make some 30 years ago when the Violence Against Women Act went into law. It was amended by the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act of 2013. However the title is still a law that was written for women and the DV shelters continue to discriminate against men without any consequences or enforcement of the 2013 Act.

 

Why don’t we as a nation learn from past mistakes? In the last couple of years there has developed a political movement to request laws be written that prevent biological men from competing in women’s sports. And our legislators are drafting laws like this without any mention of preventing biological women from competing in men’s sports ! This is especially important in the K-12 and college sports because a male sports team (boys & men) is a critical part of development of male identity. Millions of men have talked about how a male sports team helped them develop into a man. Similarly with youth programs that are male only, they should be not only allowed, but encouraged and well funded because that is where we as a society grow boys into men.

A personal note on that. I was so fortunate to have our Dad continually drill into our minds that you never hit a girl. Never! And when my “Christian” wife was constantly yelling and screaming several times per day and lunging at me to try to get me to hit her so she could have me arrested; I never made contact with her or even threatened her, thanks to the values instilled in me as a boy. I was once in a karate class (as an adult) where we practiced sparring and I was paired with an adult lady. It was so strange to me to imitate or pretend I was going to punch or kick her.

So with boys contact sports teams, football, soccer, basketball, baseball, wrestling, lacrosse…… the list goes on……… when we put girls on the field to compete with boys; we are teaching the boys to be rough with the girls! This is a bad idea to say the least.

So when we write laws about male and female sports teams being gender segregated; we should write them for both genders, not bias toward only protecting women and girls teams. Men and boys need the dignity of competing with their own gender too.

Most recently, we saw the same mistake happen yet again in a bill that passed our House of Congress; the Violence Against Women by Illegal Aliens Act. What? Illegal aliens committing violence against men is somehow acceptable or automatically not a concern?

Already many men in the US have been victims of illegal alien’s violence; one happened just yesterday as I’m writing this, a man was shot twice in the face. When a truck blasts into a crowd, there are men there. When an explosion happens, it impacts both men and women. So why in the world would congress pass yet another law that protects only women? Did they not learn from the first Violence Against Women Act 30 years ago that had to later be amended? Incredible!

Calling for reforms to achieve true justice for all, especially our vulnerable children who need their dad,

Sincerely, Daniel Carver (pen name)


Copy to some of our reps who voted concerning the federal law: Violence Against Women Act (VAWA):

Wisconsin Senator Tammy Baldwin (202) 224-5653 141 Hart Senate Office Building Washington, DC 20510
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Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson (202) 224-5323 328 Hart Senate Office Building Washington, DC 20510
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Happy Father's Day

This Sunday, people will hand out ties, cards, and mugs that say #1 Dad. But if you ask me what makes a father truly irreplaceable, it’s not something that fits in a box — it’s moments like this:

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“Let the tool do the work.”

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That’s good fathering.


Why Fathers Matter in a Way No One Else Can

Stories like mine are not unique — but they are becoming ​more rare with father’s being removed form the home. Too often we forget what fathers bring to the table that no one else does. We reduce them to extra hands or bonus paychecks. We pretend they’re interchangeable or optional. But deep down, and in study after study, we know better.

Fathers model calm strength under pressure. They teach boys how to be men without brute force — and teach girls what true masculinity feels like when it’s steady, protective, and kind. They bring a different energy to parenting: one that sets boundaries, tests limits through rough play, and then pulls children back into safety and love when they fall.

Dads don’t always use a lot of words, but they teach through presence, through small gestures, and through the unspoken lesson: “You can handle this — but if you can’t, I’m here.”


What Happens When Fathers Are Missing

We don’t talk about it much on Father’s Day, but we should: when dads disappear, children pay the price. Boys lose their guide for channeling power responsibly. Girls lose their first experience of what it feels like to be ​loved and respected by a good man.

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Imperfect But Irreplaceable

Fathers aren’t flawless — they never have been, and they don’t have to be. For me, what mattered was that he was present. He noticed things. He knew when to offer a hand and when to let me stumble and figure it out on my own.

When I look back on that day with the saw, I realize something else: he didn’t just teach me how to cut a board. He taught me how to trust the process, how to be patient, and how to use the tools life gives me — not to force everything with my own strength.

That is fatherhood at its best: presence without suffocation, correction without shame, guidance that lasts far longer than childhood.


This Father’s Day, Let’s Remember

As we celebrate dads this weekend, let’s remember: it’s not about what we buy them, but about what they have given us — quietly, daily, in moments so ordinary we don’t even know they shaped us.

If you’re a father reading this, take heart: your calm words today may echo in your child’s mind for decades to come. You don’t need to have all the right answers. Just be there. Watch. Guide. And every so often, remind them:

“Let the tool do the work.”

Happy Father’s Day.

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The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play
Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play

Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

Not long ago, kids roamed the neighborhood on bikes, made forts out of sticks, got dirty, got in arguments, and figured out how to make up. These weren’t activities we scheduled. They just happened. Today, that kind of spontaneous, unsupervised play is vanishing—and with it, something essential to childhood is being lost.

There’s been a quiet but powerful shift over the past few decades: adults now manage more and more of children’s lives. We organize their time, structure their activities, and hover over their every move, convinced that doing so will make them safer, smarter, and better prepared for life. But what if the opposite is true? What if removing unsupervised play is actually stunting their development?

What Is Unsupervised Play?

Unsupervised play doesn’t mean unsafe play. It means play that isn’t micromanaged. It’s when children make the rules, solve the problems, and decide what the game is. It can be solo or with peers. Sometimes adults are nearby in case of emergency—but they’re not directing the action. This kind of play is a natural, evolutionary part of how kids grow into capable adults. And today, it’s in short supply.

Research backs up what many of us have long sensed: unsupervised play is essential to healthy childhood development across emotional, social, physical, and even moral domains. And here’s the added layer that often gets ignored—boys may suffer the most when this kind of play disappears.


Building Independence and Confidence

When children aren’t being constantly told what to do, they learn something powerful: “I can figure this out.” That lesson builds confidence. They try something new, and maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. But it’s their decision. Over time, this builds independence—an internal compass that tells them they don’t always need someone else to approve or decide for them.

For boys, this kind of autonomy is especially critical. Boys often learn by doing, not by being told. Unsupervised play lets them test, fail, adjust, and master challenges on their own terms. Take that away, and they’re left with a life of instruction and correction, where adult voices drown out their own inner development.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg from the American Academy of Pediatrics has emphasized that free play builds resilience and decision-making skills—especially important for children developing their sense of agency. Boys, who are often more sensitive to control than we realize, benefit enormously from this space to lead themselves.


Imagination and Creativity Take Root

Watch kids in free play and you’ll see a burst of creativity. Sticks become swords or magic wands. A pile of blankets becomes a secret base. They’re not limited by adult ideas of “how it should go.” In fact, adults often get in the way.

Girls may gravitate toward collaborative storytelling or nurturing role-play, while boys are more likely to invent rule-based games, fantasy scenarios, or rougher adventures. Both types of play are essential. But boys in particular benefit from this rule-making process—they’re not just playing a game, they’re creating social order and testing fairness, leadership, and strategy.

Studies by Sandra Russ show that unstructured pretend play fuels divergent thinking—the kind of thinking that leads to problem-solving, invention, and art. For boys especially, who may not always shine in traditional classroom settings, free play offers a creative outlet that aligns with their natural interests and strengths.


Social Skills Without a Script

We often hear about how kids need to learn to “work well with others.” But how do they actually learn that? Not through lectures. Not through adult-facilitated “sharing time.” They learn it by being with other kids—without an adult immediately jumping in.

In unsupervised play, children naturally encounter disagreements. Someone wants to change the rules. Someone doesn’t want to play anymore. Someone gets hurt feelings. And they work it out. Or they don’t—and learn from that too.

For boys, this kind of organic negotiation is often more developmentally effective than verbal instruction. Boys are less likely than girls to engage in emotional check-ins or group conversations. But they do sort out status, fairness, and inclusion through physical and active play—what some researchers call “rough-and-tumble diplomacy.”

When adults interrupt or manage these processes too closely, boys miss critical opportunities to practice leadership, cooperation, and empathy in their own style. Over time, they may come to believe that their instincts are wrong—or worse, that they’re simply bad at relationships.


Learning to Handle Risk and Judgement

Children need to experience healthy risk. Climbing a tree or balancing on a log teaches them something that flashcards can’t: how to assess danger, how to listen to their bodies, how to push limits wisely.

Modern parenting often sees risk as the enemy. But eliminating all risk also eliminates the chance for growth. Studies by Mariana Brussoni and others have found that riskier outdoor play is associated with better physical health, improved confidence, and even lower injury rates over time—because kids learn to evaluate risk on their own.

And here again, boys are disproportionately affected by risk-averse environments. They are biologically more inclined toward high-energy, adventurous play. This isn’t a defect—it’s a design. Rough-and-tumble activity isn’t aggression; it’s exploration, boundary testing, and relational learning.

When we suppress boys’ access to this kind of play, we don’t reduce aggression—we remove a key mechanism for learning how to channel and regulate it.


Ownership, Accountability, and Consequences

When kids direct their own play, they also learn that their choices have consequences. If they leave toys out and it rains, those toys get ruined. If they make up a game that nobody else enjoys, they lose players. That’s the real world in miniature.

Adult-managed play often shields children from consequences. We clean up, we fix, we redirect. It might be well-intended, but it can rob children of the chance to learn responsibility in a natural, non-punitive way.

For boys—who often respond more strongly to hands-on learning—this kind of consequence-based development is vital. They learn best by experiencing the outcome, not just being warned about it.


Emotional Regulation and Expression

Unsupervised play also gives children the space to express themselves emotionally—without being corrected or redirected. A child who stomps off in frustration might, five minutes later, come back with a new idea. That’s emotional processing in action. No adult needed.

This is especially important for boys, who are often discouraged from expressing vulnerable emotions outright. In play, they can express frustration, ​anger, mastery, joy, or failure in ways that feel safe and embodied.

Therapists like Dr. Garry Landreth and researchers like Michael Gurian have shown how boys tend to process emotion kinetically—through movement, role-play, and active trial-and-error. In highly managed, verbal environments, these outlets dry up—and emotional development suffers.


A Word of Caution on Over-Supervision

Today’s children are often supervised to the point of surveillance. Playdates are scheduled, adults are ever-present, and rules are pre-written. Even well-meaning interventions—like constant praise, correction, or encouragement—can crowd out a child’s internal voice.

Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist, has warned for years that the decline of independent play is linked to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and learned helplessness among children and teens. And again, boys show these effects earlier and more acutely, often being over-diagnosed with ADHD, conduct disorders, or defiance—conditions that may actually be adaptive responses to unnatural environments.

Boys aren’t broken. But they’re often misunderstood. When the systems we place them in suppress movement, creativity, risk-taking, and autonomy, we shouldn’t be surprised when they rebel—or shut down.


Bringing It Back

We can bring back unsupervised play. It starts with letting go of the idea that kids must always be occupied, guided, or entertained. It means allowing a little boredom, a little mess, and a few scrapes. It means trusting that play is not a waste of time—but a form of learning that’s just as vital as reading or math.

Let the backyard become a jungle. Let the basement become a spaceship. Let the kids make the rules—even if they’re strange, inconsistent, or fall apart halfway through.

Unsupervised play isn’t about being reckless. It’s about trusting childhood. It’s about recognizing that the best kind of growth often happens when adults step back—not in neglect, but in respect for the child’s ability to figure things out.

And if we want to raise boys who are confident, connected, and emotionally resilient, then we need to stop managing their play—and start protecting it.


References

  • Brussoni, M., Gibbons, R., Gray, C., Ishikawa, T., Sandseter, E. B. H., Bienenstock, A., ... & Tremblay, M. S. (2015). What is the relationship between risky outdoor play and health in children? International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 12(6), 6423-6454.

  • Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.

  • Gray, P. (2011). The decline of play and the rise of psychopathology in children and adolescents. American Journal of Play, 3(4), 443–463.

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