A Survival Guide for Men in Couples Therapy - part one
When men enter couples therapy with their wives or significant female partners, it often feels like stepping into foreign territory. The dynamics can be confusing, the language unfamiliar, and it can seem like their needs are far less addressed than those of their partners. Many men feel "out of place."
The first section of this article serves as a primer for men, helping explain why they might feel this way. The second half offers practical ideas and tips for getting the most out of the experience. It’s worth noting that about 1 in 5 men are likely to feel more at home in the typical couples therapy environment due to biological and temperamental factors—and about 1 in 5 women might more closely resemble the typical male experience. When this article refers to “men,” it’s addressing that 80% majority of men (and that 20% of women who are similar).
Bottom line? We’re all different, but if you’re a man—or a woman trying to understand one—this article might be useful. (For more on these differences, see my book The Way Men Heal on Amazon.)
1. Why Is Couples Therapy Hard for Men?
A Different Style of Processing
The idea of sitting face-to-face and talking about emotions and hurt is foreign to many men. They might be more comfortable addressing difficult topics while doing something side-by-side—like playing a game of basketball or golfing—rather than sitting across from someone in a therapist’s office. But that’s not how couples therapy is set up, and this mismatch is just one of many reasons men may find the experience challenging.
Language Barriers
Couples therapy has its own language—a language most women speak fluently, but most men do not. This imbalance can deeply affect the process.
Imagine visiting France: your wife speaks fluent French, and you only know a little. A local invites you to his table for conversation. Who’s he going to talk to? Naturally, your wife. You’re left relying on translations and educated guesses. You probably won’t be judged harshly for your lack of fluency, but you’ll still feel like an outsider.
Now picture couples therapy. Your wife and the therapist are fluent in the language of feelings—you’re not. But in therapy, unlike France, you are likely to be judged. Not knowing this language can lead to assumptions: that you’re emotionally immature, cold, uncaring, or resistant. Many therapists believe men should be fluent in emotional expression and that it’s just a matter of effort.
“Just try a little harder, honey. It’s not that hard.”
What these therapists often don’t realize is that male biology plays a role. Men’s brains are more geared toward systems and action than emotional articulation. There’s even evidence that testosterone can impair verbal emotional expression, even when the feelings are present. Men often process emotions differently—but those differences are rarely acknowledged or respected in therapy. Instead, men’s unique approaches are often misinterpreted as deficiencies.
The Fluency Bond
This fluency gap also affects how alliances form in therapy. Just like at that French dinner, you rely on your wife to "translate" or mediate, but in therapy, your interests may be in conflict with hers. She may not be motivated to give you a fair translation. In fact, she might use her emotional fluency to bolster her position and cast you as the problem.
Details, Memory, and the Scorecard
Another challenge for men is how women tend to remember relationship details with far greater precision. Your wife may recall the time in 2007 when you called her fat—but you don’t. In therapy, she can quickly list a long series of your alleged missteps, while you’re still trying to figure out if what she said even happened.
Why is this? Maybe men treat relational upsets like fishing—if the fish is too small, you throw it back and move on. Men don’t tend to keep score. Women often do. So when therapy starts, she brings a bucket of old hurts. You bring nothing. It can feel like you have no case.
Could it be that men let go of the small stuff out of forgiveness or practicality, while women store it up to make a case? Maybe. You be the judge. (Your mileage may vary.)
Avoiding Men’s Emotional Pain
Another critical factor is the cultural discomfort with male emotional pain. In our society, a man’s tears often evoke suspicion—while a woman’s tears inspire compassion and action. Men know this. That’s why most avoid public vulnerability. They’re not dumb.
This bias shows up in therapy too. I’ve seen cases where a man had just experienced major surgery, the death of a parent, and job loss—all in one month—and yet the session focused on why he hadn’t been more attentive to his wife’s emotional needs.
Therapists—especially female ones—may simply relate more naturally to the woman’s experience and overlook the man’s pain. If that happens, the man walks away feeling invisible, bewildered, and alone.
2. The Role of Traditional Sex Roles
Traditional male roles emphasize providing and protecting—especially for a spouse. Women’s traditional roles focus on nurturing children and maintaining the home. In this model, her happiness depends on his performance, but not the other way around. He’s judged on how well he provides and protects. She’s rarely judged on how she treats him. His needs? No one’s responsibility but his own.
This dynamic plays out in therapy. Her needs become the agenda. His needs are secondary—if addressed at all. It’s not just the therapist; many men don’t even think to bring up their own needs. They’re conditioned to care for others, not themselves.
Independence vs. Vulnerability
The male role of provider and protector requires independence. Dependency and neediness are seen as weaknesses. Yet in therapy, men are asked to reveal vulnerabilities, admit struggles, and show emotional need. That’s a 180-degree turn from how they’re wired and socialized.
Imagine asking a woman to speak in a way that shows she’s not nurturing and caring. Would that be easy for her? Probably not. And yet we expect men to do the emotional equivalent without blinking. It’s time we showed more compassion for the bind men are placed in.
Therapy Is a Feminine Space
Therapy has evolved to be female-friendly—for the simple reason that women are the ones who tend to show up. The currency of therapy is emotional care and connection—more aligned with feminine norms than masculine ones, which emphasize respect, autonomy, and honor.
In therapy, the woman often claims, “He doesn’t care about me,” then lists examples of his supposed indifference. The therapist helps her unpack her pain. The man, meanwhile, scrambles to defend himself against the accusations and rarely gets to voice his own needs or perspective. He’s too busy putting out fires.
This dynamic reinforces a centuries-old pattern: women voice needs and complaints, men respond. He’s expected to improve. She’s expected to be heard.
The "Yelling" Trap
Another common issue is volume. Men and women often have very different thresholds for what counts as yelling. Two men might have an energetic, respectful argument—but if that same tone is used with a wife, she may accuse him of yelling.
He says, “I’m not yelling.” And objectively, he might be right. But remember—therapy operates by different rules. Feminine rules.
This accusation of yelling can be weaponized. When a man is making a valid point that’s hard to refute, shifting the focus to his "tone" or "volume" derails the discussion. Suddenly, the conversation is about her pain and his supposed insensitivity—not the issue he raised. This leaves him feeling ambushed, powerless, and unheard. And conveniently, it lets her off the hook.
If you’ve read this far, you already know: men face an uphill climb in couples therapy. The structure, language, and expectations often don't align with male psychology or experience. But understanding these dynamics is the first step toward navigating them—and maybe even shifting the conversation.
