MenAreGood
Time to Act: 15 Ways Maryland Can Support Its Boys and Men
May 11, 2025
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For too long, the challenges faced by boys and men in Maryland have been overlooked. From distorted media portrayals to cultural narratives that paint masculinity as a problem, boys and men are often viewed through a lens of suspicion or deficit. In late April, I presented the following 15 ideas to the Governor’s staff—not a list of services or budget items, but focused proposals aimed at improving the public image and cultural understanding of boys and men in our state. These ideas are about restoring balance, affirming the value of boys and men, and challenging the negative stereotypes that continue to shape policy and perception. If we truly cared about them, this is where we would start.

I would love to hear any ideas you might have for additional items.


IDEAS

1. Using social media to share positive messages about boys and men
For example, on platforms like X.com, we could promote male-positive, research-based messages. I could assemble a group of experts on boys and men to contribute content—brief, impactful posts that could be shared by either the Governor or designated staff. Maybe like this:

 

2. Publish male-positive op-eds in Maryland newspapers
My team could write short, male-positive articles that the Governor could submit as op-eds to local newspapers. He could choose to take credit for the writing or cite the original sources—either approach would work. The key is getting these important messages into the public conversation.

3. Educate boys about the uniqueness of being male
Introduce age-appropriate lessons in health class, social media, or op-eds, that help boys understand what makes being male unique. For example, boys experience a surge of testosterone in the womb that shapes brain development and influences behaviors like play styles. Later, during puberty, rising testosterone levels can even reduce access to emotional tears. Helping boys understand their many biological differences can foster self-awareness, confidence, and a healthier sense of identity.

4. Father Facts - The Importance of Father Presence
Research has shown that fathers play a crucial role in their children's development. We are finding that many of the things that fathers do automatically with their children are instrumental in the child's development. Simple actions like throwing a child into the air, can aid in the child's later ability to navigate risks. Engaging in rough and tumble play has been linked to reducing future tendencies towards violence. Additionally, a father's role in setting limits contributes significantly to a child's development of empathy. Recognizing these impacts, and many others, can motivate fathers to be more involved with their children, driven by a sense of importance rather than guilt or shame. Dads Matter. These ideas can be shared via tweets, op-eds, in-service trainings etc.

5. Host a statewide essay contest in Maryland public schools
Launch an essay contest inviting boys to write on the topic, “The 5 Best Things About Being a Boy.” Winners could be selected at the school, county, and state levels, across elementary, middle, and high school divisions. Prizes might include a meeting with the Governor or having their essay published in the Baltimore Sun.

6. Distribute low-cost stickers with positive messages about boys and men
We could design simple, inexpensive stickers with messages like “Boys Are Good” or “Maryland Loves Men and Boys.” A local Maryland printer might be willing to donate a large batch—potentially thousands. These could be handed out to young students or used as small prizes and incentives. Students might compete to design the best sticker, and the winners would be used for distribution?

7. Explore donated ad space for male-positive messaging

Look into whether Maryland bus or train companies would be open to donating advertising space to promote positive messages about men and boys.

8. Helping Moms Understand Boys

With the rise in fatherless homes, it's more important than ever to help mothers understand their sons. This was the focus of my most recent book, and there’s so much that moms can learn that makes parenting boys easier and more effective.

What are the key differences between your sons and daughters—and how can you use those differences to better support your son while also making parenting less stressful? Boys often respond better to a different style of discipline and a different approach to handling emotions. When moms truly understand their sons, good things happen—for both of them.

9. Teach young men about the unique ways they process emotions
It’s an important but often overlooked fact that boys, even at a young age, process emotions differently. Teaching this concept can be incredibly beneficial for all boys. One approach is to share stories from cultures like the Dagura people of Africa, where men’s emotional responses are understood and valued differently. This helps boys see the diversity of emotional experiences. Another powerful way is to share stories of men overcoming trauma, such as how Michael Jordan healed after the murder of his father. These narratives can offer insights into emotional resilience and help boys understand their own emotional landscapes.

10. Launch a speaker series on boys, men, and masculinity
Create a speaker series focused on issues related to boys, men, and masculinity. If funding allows, these could be in-person events—but a more accessible and cost-effective approach would be to host them online. Virtual talks could be broadcast live, recorded, and then archived to build an online library of expert insights, available for ongoing education and outreach.

11. Calling Young Men: Share Your Voice
Invite boys and young men to send in short, 15-30 second videos answering this question:
What’s the toughest thing about being a boy today?

Too many boys grow up feeling like no one really cares about their struggles. Let’s change that.

This might allow our young men to speak up, be heard, and know they’re not alone. We’ll compile the videos and publish them to give boys a voice in a world that often overlooks them.

12. Create a Custom GPT Focused on Boys and Men
The technology now exists to upload books and articles into AI and have it answer questions based on that material. With a custom GPT, we can build a powerful tool that provides in-depth, accurate information about boys and men—grounded in trusted sources.

Even better, this tool can be customized to credit the authors and include links to their books or articles whenever their work is referenced. That makes it a win for both the public and the authors: people get reliable answers, and authors gain visibility and support. (I think you all know that I already started one for my books...ask it any question about men/boys and trauma/healing)

13. Encourage Maryland universities to develop Men’s Studies programs

Nearly all universities offer Women’s Studies programs—so it seems like a natural next step to create similar opportunities focused on men and boys. Encouraging Maryland universities to develop Men’s Studies courses or full programs would be a powerful way to foster deeper understanding of men, masculinity, and the male experience.

14. Consider establishing a Men’s Shed
The Men’s Shed movement, which began in Australia, has spread worldwide, though the U.S. has been slower to adopt it. However, the U.S. Men’s Shed Association is a great resource that could offer support. Men’s Sheds provide a space where men can gather, work on projects, or simply relax—whether cooking, watching TV, or enjoying each other’s company. It’s a unique opportunity to create a dedicated place for men to connect and engage in meaningful activities.

15. Begin the process of establishing a Commission for Men and Boys
Maryland has had a Commission for Women and Girls since the 1970s, but there is no equivalent body focused on the needs and challenges of boys and men. Creating a Commission for Men and Boys would provide a dedicated platform to address these issues and promote positive, research-informed policies. It’s a meaningful and necessary goal for greater balance and inclusion. (Actually this idea is getting started with some Maryland legislators expressing interest in sponsoring the bill.)

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September 03, 2026
False Allegations - What the Numbers Don't Tell Us

We are getting a head start on International Falsely Accused day on Sept 9th!

How many false allegations of sexual abuse are there? We are often told they are extremely rare—perhaps only one to three percent. But those numbers depend on an extraordinarily narrow definition of what qualifies as a false allegation. They usually count only allegations proven to have been deliberately fabricated. Mistaken identity, contaminated memories, misunderstandings, suggestive interviewing, unsupported accusations and even recanted allegations may not be included.

In this conversation, Janice Fiamengo and I speak with Dr. Felicity Goodyear Smith, a physician, forensic medical examiner and professor at the University of Auckland who has studied wrongful allegations for more than three decades. Felicity explains the many different ways an innocent person can be accused, separating deliberate fabrications from allegations that are sincerely believed but untrue.

We also examine how “believe the victim” has ...

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July 15, 2026
The Women's Health Narrative Meets the DATA

What if one of the most common claims in health policy simply isn’t true?

We’ve all heard the refrain: women are underfunded, under-researched, and left behind by the medical establishment. It’s repeated so often that most people never stop to ask for the evidence.

In this roundtable, Jack Kammer, Ed Bartlett, Ed Stephens, Jim Nuzzo, and I compare that narrative with the available data. We examine research funding, clinical trial participation, life expectancy, and the unintended consequences of policies that consistently prioritize one sex while neglecting the other.

This isn’t an argument against women’s health. It’s an argument for evidence, fairness, and a healthier future for everyone.

Link to the Feminist pdf that calls for 20 Billion dollars for women’s health!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IKEEZMGXtRNxU4n5K_M1d6k2w-ZP_wVT/view

Jim Nuzzo

The Nuzzo Newsletter on Substack http//jameslnuzzo.Substack.com
X: https://x.com/JamesLNuzzo

Jack Kammer

Jacks Substack Men’s ...

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Mantoon: A Visit to the Doc

A visit to the Doc.

00:00:14

It seems that one famous plaster body of mother and child was wrong. The “mother” is actually a man and the child is not related to him.
For years the famous image of a mother protecting a child was projection. The DNA shows a man protecting a child that is not related to him.

As I stated before women who actually see men’s rights and general fairness as valid, tend to be the mothers of boys. This video is a great example of them pushing back and it is great to see.

August 10, 2026
Feminism Cannot Be Reformed: It Must Be Destroyed Root and Branch

Janice Fiamengo’s new book is out, and this excerpt from the Foreword gives you a pretty good idea of what to expect. Janice goes straight to the heart of feminism and gives ample reasons for its demolition.

This is an important book. I hope you’ll get a copy for yourself—and maybe send one to someone who is even a little bit open to seeing the reality of feminism rather than the equality mask presented by feminists and so much of the media.

https://fiamengofile.substack.com/p/feminism-cannot-be-reformed

October 26, 2026
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The Lover Within
Robert Moore and the Courage to Be Fully Alive


The Lover Within

Robert Moore and the Courage to Be Fully Alive

Of Robert Moore’s four masculine archetypes, the Lover may be the easiest to reduce to something smaller than it is.

We hear the word lover and think of romance or sex. Those certainly belong to the Lover, but Moore was speaking about something much larger. The Lover is the part of us that responds to beauty, music, touch, food, poetry, friendship, nature, grief, sexuality, creativity, and the sheer strangeness of being alive.

It is the capacity to experience the world not merely as useful, dangerous, or understandable, but as valuable.

The King asks, “How shall I care for this?” The Warrior asks, “What must I do?” The Magician asks, “What does this mean?” The Lover says, “Look at this. Feel this. This matters.”

Moore’s central insight might be put this way:

The Lover is not simply the part of us that falls in love. It is the part that experiences anything as worth loving.

Without the Lover, we may remain productive, responsible, disciplined, and intelligent. We can work, lead, analyze, and endure. But something essential begins to disappear. The world loses its color. Other people become functions. Work becomes obligation. Nature becomes a resource. Intimacy becomes another task to perform.

We are still alive, but we no longer feel fully alive.

 

The Garden

Moore associated each archetype with a different psychic space. The traditional space of the Lover is the garden.

The garden is not the battlefield, workshop, throne room, office, or classroom. It operates according to another kind of time. The Warrior has a mission and checks the clock. The Magician analyzes what is happening. The King remains responsible for the realm. But the Lover enters a place where nothing must immediately be accomplished.

Moore said simply, “The Lover has time.”

That is a radical statement in a culture organized around production. In the garden, we are not earning, fixing, competing, proving, or even helping. We are present. We taste the food. We hear the music. We notice the face across from us. We allow experience to reach us before deciding what to do with it.

This is why Moore said the Lover is about being rather than doing.

The garden includes sexuality, but it is larger than sexuality. It includes conversation that no one wants to end, working with wood because the grain is beautiful, feeling the soil in one’s hands, hearing a song that opens something inside, grieving someone we loved, laughing until we cannot breathe, or standing before a landscape that makes us quiet.

Eden is a garden, but so is Gethsemane. The Lover does not open us only to pleasure. It opens us to sorrow, longing, betrayal, tenderness, beauty, mortality, and loss. A man who refuses grief because it hurts has not conquered the Lover. He has closed the gate to the same garden in which joy lives.

 

 

Appreciative Consciousness

Moore called the Lover’s way of seeing “appreciative consciousness.”

The phrase is important. The Lover does not first approach the world by criticizing, measuring, diagnosing, or deciding how it can be used. It appreciates. That does not mean abandoning judgment. It means allowing value to appear before dissection begins.

Moore observed that the King blesses what he encounters, the Warrior fights it, and the Magician interprets it. The Lover appreciates it.

That form of consciousness can make the world seem luminous. William Blake, Walt Whitman, D. H. Lawrence, and Robert Bly all knew something about it. They could look at an ordinary object, an animal, a human body, or a patch of earth and experience more life than most of us notice.

Moore suggested a simple diagnostic question: How much of the time are you bored?

Boredom can occur even in a frantic life. In fact, Moore pointed out that a person can be both a workaholic and deeply bored. He may be constantly occupied while rarely touched by what he is doing.

The absence of boredom does not require continual entertainment. It comes from the ability to notice. A healed Lover finds more of the world interesting because more of the world is allowed to matter.

 

The Man Who Cannot Feel—and the Man Who Cannot Stop

Moore repeatedly described two broad Lover problems.

At one pole is the man who appears to have too little Lover energy. He feels wooden, detached, ashamed of his body, frightened by enthusiasm, uncomfortable with beauty, or incapable of resting. He may work continuously, analyze everything, or treat intimacy as another technical problem to solve.

Moore joked about the Warrior who approaches lovemaking like a train making a brief station stop. He is still on the mission. He may even read the manual and learn the proper technique, but he has not entered the garden.

This man may say that there is nothing passionate inside him. Moore thought the opposite was often true. Deadness may be a defense against passion so strong that the man fears it will overwhelm him. He is not empty. He is frightened of what might happen if the door opens.

At the other pole is the man who cannot close the door. He becomes flooded by appetite, infatuation, substances, sex, food, excitement, creativity, or risk. He cannot stop because no experience is ever enough to provide the union he seeks.

Moore used a country-song line to describe it: “Whoever turns you on forgot to turn you off.”

One man cannot feel. The other cannot stop. Both have difficulty maintaining a conscious relationship with the same energy.

For Moore, maturity was neither passionlessness nor permanent ecstasy. It was the growing ability to experience intensity without fleeing it, immediately discharging it, or being consumed by it. He described part of the therapeutic task as helping people learn to “stand their excitement longer.”

That is one of the most useful ideas in these lectures. Many of us have been taught how to suppress excitement or act upon it. Far fewer have learned how to remain present while it moves through us.

 

Shame and the Fear of Being Seen

Shame is one of the principal forces separating men from the Lover.

Men are often permitted to be useful, strong, successful, or funny. Being beautiful is more difficult. So is dancing without self-consciousness, dressing with flair, giving another man a poem, showing delight, or allowing the body to be seen without apology.

Moore said the Lover moves us from shame toward “passionate play and display.”

He was not recommending exhibitionism that ignores other people’s boundaries. He was describing the healthy capacity to appear—to inhabit one’s body, occupy one’s space, and let enthusiasm become visible.

Moore loved hats. He spoke about walking through the city in his Stetson and receiving puzzled looks from people who had lost any cultural language for male adornment. In many traditional cultures, he observed, men dress boldly. They wear brilliant colors and magnificent headdresses. They dance, perform, and display themselves without assuming that beauty belongs only to women.

“You don’t have to be rich to dress up,” he said, “except in spirit.”

That line contains much of his teaching. The healthy Lover does not require luxury. He requires permission to appreciate and participate in beauty.

 

The Lover Gives Power a Heart

Moore never intended the four archetypes to live in separate compartments. Each possesses a distinctive gift, but each becomes distorted when isolated from the others.

The Lover gives the King, Warrior, and Magician a heart.

The King without the Lover can organize, govern, and dominate, but he cannot bless. He does not experience the people of the realm as having inherent worth. Responsibility becomes a burdensome job because, as Moore put it, “You don’t steward things you don’t value.”

The Warrior without the Lover becomes a machine. He carries out the mission efficiently but no longer feels the value of the lives affected by it. Moore used The Terminator as his image of the loveless Warrior: focused, relentless, and utterly indifferent to the living world.

When Lover energy informs the Warrior, aggression becomes protection. The mature Warrior does not fight merely to satisfy an appetite for combat. He fights on behalf of something he loves—a child, a community, a principle, a forest, an ocean, or another person’s right to live.

The Magician without the Lover becomes detached. He can diagnose, interpret, invent, and manipulate, but may never ask whether his knowledge serves life. Moore saw this danger in scientists who ignore the moral consequences of their discoveries and therapists who become more interested in diagnosis than healing.

Knowledge alone does not make someone a healer. The Lover provides the wish that the other person actually become well.

For Moore, empathy itself contains Lover energy. It is the capacity to feel one’s way into another person’s experience while remaining ethical enough not to exploit the access.

The Lover therefore does more than provide pleasure. It humanizes power.

 

What Happens When the Lover Comes Through the Back Door

When the Lover is denied a legitimate room in the psyche, it does not disappear. It enters the other archetypes through what Moore called “the back door.”

In the King, denied desire may become eroticized domination. The leader, parent, teacher, therapist, or priest begins taking emotional or sexual gratification from people he is supposed to serve.

In the Warrior, Eros may become fused with aggression. Moore used Apocalypse Now—the helicopters, Wagner, napalm, surfing during combat, and rock music—to show how battle can become a source of ecstasy. Danger makes the man feel unmistakably alive, and destruction becomes exciting.

In the Magician, the Lover may appear as voyeurism. The person watches, analyzes, records, diagnoses, or lives through the intimate experiences of others while remaining outside embodied relationship himself.

Moore’s point was not that authority, aggression, or knowledge are inherently corrupt. It was that rejected desire seeks covert channels. The respectable persona may remain intact while the shadow arranges another life underneath it.

This is one reason he believed the garden needed to be acknowledged directly. We are less likely to demand unconscious gratification from our power, work, clients, children, or public role when the Lover has an honest place of its own.

 

Addiction as a Wounded Search for the Garden

Moore’s treatment of addiction was compassionate without being sentimental.

He regarded alcohol, drugs, compulsive sex, overeating, overwork, and other addictions as possible attempts to regulate overwhelming Lover energy. When early relationships have been shaming, rejecting, abusive, or unreliable, the person may never develop the internal structure needed to tolerate powerful feeling.

The substance then becomes a dependable companion. It is available when called. It alters the state of the self. It offers relief, intensity, communion, or oblivion without requiring the risks of a mutual human relationship.

Moore described addiction as a kind of unconscious ritual. It has an object, a sequence, a time, a place, a preparation, and a transformation of consciousness. It is a poor vessel, and often a deadly one, but it may nevertheless be performing a psychological function.

He called psychopathology a “creative compromise.” A destructive symptom may be standing between a person and something even more terrifying—fragmentation, unbearable emptiness, or suicide.

This led Moore to an important clinical caution: do not simply take away the old container until something better is available to perform the function it has been serving.

That does not make the addiction good. It means healing requires more than subtraction. The person needs relationships, structure, ritual, community, spiritual practice, and a gradually increasing ability to bear intensity without immediate discharge.

Moore admired Alcoholics Anonymous for precisely this reason. The meetings, honesty, sponsorship, repetition, steps, and shared recognition of danger create a conscious communal vessel where the solitary ritual of addiction once stood.

The goal is not to extinguish the fire. It is to build a hearth strong enough to hold it.

 

 

The Other Three Protect the Lover

Just as the Lover humanizes the other archetypes, the other three make mature love possible.

The King gives the Lover a center.

Moore compared this to balancing a powerful engine. Properly balanced, the engine can generate enormous horsepower at high speed without shaking itself apart. King energy provides the taproot or still point that allows a person to experience great passion without fragmenting.

The Warrior protects the garden.

Moore was emphatic about this: “Without the guards, there’s no garden.” The Lover itself does not love walls. It moves toward union, openness, participation, and the crossing of boundaries. The Warrior establishes the gate and decides what may enter.

That includes protecting time. Moore imagined calling upon an inner General Patton, tanks and all, to defend the weekend from work, appointments, duties, and worthy causes. Unless time for the garden is deliberately set aside, every other demand will invade it.

This is one reason intimacy so often disappears from marriage. During courtship, people will pay almost any price to reach the garden. After marriage, they begin assuming it will remain without protection. Work expands. Children, careers, obligations, and screens fill the available space. The garden does not die because marriage is inherently unromantic. It disappears because no one is guarding the gate.

The Warrior also protects the heart from abuse. Moore believed that men are frequently encouraged to become vulnerable without being taught how to defend themselves. But a man who cannot protect his heart will eventually withdraw from relationship. He may remain physically present while disappearing psychologically.

Moore’s point needs careful wording. Honesty, receptivity, and emotional openness are strengths. Defenselessness is not. Intimacy becomes sustainable when a man trusts that he can remain open and still say, “This treatment is not acceptable.”

Finally, the Magician notices.

The Magician scans the inner territory and asks which room has not been visited. A man may list all he is accomplishing, caring for, and producing while the Magician quietly asks, “Have you noticed what is missing?”

King centers the Lover. Warrior protects it. Magician remembers it. Together they make the garden inhabitable.

 

Men, Masculinity, and Intimacy

One of Moore’s most important observations was that many men do not need less masculinity in order to become intimate. They need a more secure masculine identity.

A man with a fragile sense of self may experience closeness as engulfment. Another person’s anger, need, or disappointment feels enormous. He fears that if he opens fully, he will disappear.

This can be difficult for women to understand, and Moore thought men were often ridiculed for it. But ridicule only deepens the wound. The man needs enough internal King and Warrior to know that he can remain himself while loving someone else.

This is why Moore distinguished sensitivity from pathological vulnerability. A secure man can be deeply receptive because he trusts his center and his boundaries. He can move toward another person without requiring that person to become an extension of himself.

Mature love recognizes a separate other.

That also means love cannot be possession. Moore spoke bluntly about relationships in which one person wants to keep another against his or her will. If the beloved chooses to leave, the loss may be agonizing. But secure selfhood makes it possible to grieve, offer a blessing, and let the person go.

Love says, “I value you.” Possession says, “I require you to keep me from collapsing.”

 

Restoring the Lover

Moore did not believe the Lover could be restored through explanation alone. The path back is experiential.

Read poetry. Listen to music. Attend live performances. Learn to dance. Spend time in nature. Cook something slowly. Work with your hands. Wear something that makes you feel more fully present. Protect unhurried time with the person you love. Notice beauty and resist the impulse to explain it immediately.

Moore was especially moved by men giving poems to other men at Robert Bly gatherings. He had received many things from men, he joked, including plenty of grief—but never a poem. In that ritual space, strong men could offer one another words they loved without embarrassment.

Dance mattered for the same reason. The Lover sometimes speaks in poetry or song, but often it does not want to speak at all. It wants to move.

Moore told men who felt disconnected from the Lover that they could spend a great deal of money talking about the problem in therapy—or they could take dance lessons. He was joking, but only partly.

He also recommended active imagination: entering a quiet state, allowing an image of the inner Lover to emerge, and asking what it wants. The ego does not have to obey every answer. In fact, it should not. But it is better to know what has been exiled than to discover it later through an act one cannot believe one has committed.

The larger practice is simple, though not easy: make room, protect the room, and learn to remain there.

 

 

The Whales

Moore ended the lectures by reading D. H. Lawrence’s poem “Whales Weep Not!”

It was a brilliant choice.

Lawrence’s whales are enormous, sensuous, sexual, playful, parental, and powerful. The mothers nurse their young. The bulls gather around the females and calves when danger threatens. Their strength does not compete with love. It protects love.

The whales bring Moore’s four archetypes together. The Lover supplies delight, sexuality, tenderness, and wonder. The Warrior forms the protective circle. The King preserves the order of life and family. The Magician recognizes the sacred pattern moving through it all.

The poem imagines divinity not as something removed from bodily life but flowing through it. The whales meet, mate, nurture, protect, and move through the great sea in a love beyond human explanation—what Lawrence called love “without words.”

Moore finished the poem and then added, with perfect timing, “That’s why you join Greenpeace.”

The line belongs to the time in which he spoke, and readers may have different opinions about Greenpeace today. But his larger point remains. We do not protect the living world most deeply because a policy tells us to. We protect it because we have learned to experience it as magnificent, vulnerable, sensuous, and valuable in itself.

The Lover makes ecological concern personal. A whale is no longer an abstract representative of biodiversity. It is a living presence—powerful, familial, beautiful, and worthy of protection.

That is the Lover’s final gift. It does not make a man weak. It allows him to feel what his strength is for.

The mature Lover protects the heart without closing it, transmits life without possessing it, and loves the world enough to defend it.

Men Are Good.

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October 19, 2026
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Parental Alienation: When Separation Becomes Erasure
Chapter 9 - Seeing Men Clearly



Chapter 9 - Seeing Men Clearly


Parental Alienation: When Separation Becomes Erasure

Losing daily contact with a parent is painful. Losing the relationship itself is something else entirely. Most custody disputes involve distance. Parental alienation involves something far more profound: the gradual disappearance of a parent from a child’s emotional world and, ultimately, from the child’s life, often reinforced by physical separation.

A child may still have access to a parent. Phone calls may be available. Visits may be scheduled. Court orders may remain in place. Yet over time the relationship begins to weaken, then fracture, and in some cases collapse. Affection gives way to suspicion. Familiarity gives way to distance. Love is gradually replaced by fear, anger, or indifference.


The Child Who Stops Calling

It often begins subtly. A child becomes reluctant to answer the phone. Conversations become shorter. Visits become strained. The rejected parent is bewildered. Nothing obvious has happened. No abuse. No abandonment. No dramatic betrayal. Yet the relationship appears to be dissolving.

The child begins speaking in language that sounds strangely adult. Old grievances are repeated. Minor mistakes become major offenses. Positive memories fade while negative interpretations multiply. The parent who was once loved becomes viewed almost entirely through a negative lens.


A Relationship Under Pressure

Children naturally want to love both parents. This is one of the most important realities to understand. Children generally do not enter the world looking for reasons to reject a mother or father. Their natural tendency is connection. They want both parents. They need both parents. They identify with both parents.

When children feel pressure to choose between parents, they often experience tremendous internal conflict. To reject a parent is, in some sense, to reject a part of themselves. This is why parental alienation can be so damaging. The child is not merely losing a relationship. The child is often losing a piece of his or her own identity.


The Research Begins to Notice

For many years, professionals paid little attention to the phenomenon. When fathers complained that children were being turned against them, they were often dismissed as bitter ex-spouses unwilling to accept divorce. Gradually, however, clinicians began observing patterns that were difficult to explain away.

Researchers and therapists noticed situations where children displayed extreme hostility toward a parent despite little evidence that the parent had done anything deserving such rejection. The child’s anger often seemed disproportionate, the accusations repetitive, and the thinking unusually rigid. The relationship appeared less like a normal response to parental shortcomings and more like the result of sustained influence.

Over time, the concept of parental alienation emerged as an attempt to describe these situations. Although professionals continue to debate definitions and terminology, few dispute that children can be influenced to fear, reject, or distance themselves from a parent. The question is not whether it happens. The question is how often. And what should be done when it does.


The Invisible Form of Family Violence

One way to understand parental alienation is to imagine a form of family violence that leaves no bruises. No broken bones. No emergency room visits. No police reports. Yet something precious is still being damaged: the bond between a parent and child.

A parent can recover from insults. A parent can recover from financial loss. Many parents never fully recover from losing a child. Not through death. Through rejection. The pain is difficult to describe. It is grief without a funeral. Loss without an end. Presence without relationship.


Why Children Are Vulnerable

Children trust the adults who care for them. That trust is necessary. Without it, childhood would be impossible. Yet the same trust that protects children can also make them vulnerable.

If a trusted adult repeatedly communicates that another parent is unsafe, uncaring, selfish, or unworthy, many children eventually absorb that message—not because they are foolish, but because they are children. The younger the child, the greater the vulnerability. A child has limited ability to independently evaluate competing claims. He relies heavily on the people he trusts. This is one reason parental alienation can be so powerful. It exploits one of childhood’s greatest strengths: trust.


The Father’s Voice

Although either parent can engage in alienating behavior, fathers often describe a particularly painful experience. Many enter court believing that if they remain calm, loving, and patient, the truth will eventually prevail. Instead, they sometimes discover that the relationship deteriorates while they wait.

Phone calls become less frequent. Visits become more tense. Years pass. Children grow older. The bond weakens. By the time anyone recognizes what has happened, much of the damage has already occurred.

One father described it this way: “I wasn’t losing a court case. I was losing my daughter.” That distinction captures the reality more accurately than any legal terminology. The issue is not primarily litigation. The issue is relationship.


The Child’s Loss

The greatest tragedy of parental alienation is often misunderstood. People assume the primary victim is the rejected parent. Certainly that parent suffers enormously. But a powerful and often unnoticed series of losses belongs to the child.

The child loses stories, memories, guidance, connection, identity, half of his history, and half of his family. Sometimes half of himself. Years later, many alienated children begin asking difficult questions. What really happened? Why did I stop seeing my father? Why did I believe those things? What did I miss?

Some find answers. Many do not. The lost years cannot be recovered.


Why We Didn’t Notice

Parental alienation reveals something important about the broader themes of this book. When a child loses contact with a father, many observers assume the father must have done something wrong. The possibility that the relationship itself might be under attack is often considered only much later.

This assumption flows from the same hidden layer we have seen repeatedly. Mothers are often viewed as natural caregivers. Fathers are often viewed as optional caregivers. When a child rejects a father, people frequently assume the father earned that rejection. When a child rejects a mother, people are more likely to ask what happened.

The difference is subtle. Yet it shapes perception. And perception shapes institutions. Just as it has throughout this book.

Men Are Good.

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October 15, 2026
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When in Doubt, Blame Men
How Widely Do Women Blame Men?
 

A recent analysis from the Survey Center on American Life highlighted a striking finding: 66 percent of Democratic women ages 18 to 29 said men’s behavior or actions contribute “a great deal” to the challenges women face in American society. Among Republican women the same age, the figure was 18 percent.

Here is the article’s original chart:

 


The contrast is dramatic. Young Democratic women were more than three times as likely as young Republican women to choose the strongest response. Across the age groups shown, democratic women were consistently more likely to answer this way.

The survey asked women how much the challenges facing women in American society were due to men’s behavior or actions. The available options were a great deal, a fair amount, hardly any, none at all, and unsure.

The original comparison tells us who selected the strongest answer. It does not tell us how many women attributed at least a fair amount of women’s challenges to men.

To examine that broader question, I looked at the survey’s underlying data using its main survey weight.

 

In this analysis, approximately 67 percent of young Democratic women chose a great deal, and another 29 percent chose a fair amount. Total those and you get 96.4 percent.

That is nearly every young Democratic woman in the sample. Nearly 100% of democratic women between the ages of 18-29 attributed at least a fair amount of women’s challenges to the behavior or actions of men.

The Republican result also looks very different once the second response is included. Approximately 18 percent chose a great deal, while 49 percent chose a fair amount. Together, that comes to about 67 percent—roughly two-thirds.

When we total “great deal “ and “fair amount“ it reveals something the original comparison obscures: attributing a substantial share of women’s societal challenges to men is widespread among young women in both parties.

Now let’s look beyond the youngest age group.

 

Among Democratic women, the combined total exceeds 90 percent in every age group shown.

The Republican pattern is also revealing. In this sample, the combined percentage is higher in the older age groups. Older Republican women are more likely than younger Republican women to attribute at least a fair amount of women’s challenges to men.

In every Democratic and Republican age group shown, roughly two-thirds or more of women attributed at least a fair amount of women’s societal challenges to men.

What began as a finding about young Democratic women has become a much broader finding about women across generations and party lines. Two thirds of women seem to attribute a fair amount of women’s challenges to men’s actions or behaviors. To me that is a stunning finding.

There is another dimension to consider: education.

 

But once again, stopping at the strongest answer leaves out part of the picture.

Including a fair amount reveals the broader educational pattern shown in the chart. The combined responses suggest a stronger tendency to attribute women’s challenges to men at higher levels of education, even though the strongest response alone does not rise consistently across the categories.

So what do these findings mean?

Nearly universal agreement among young Democratic women, more than 90 percent across Democratic age groups, and substantial majorities among Republican women suggest that seeing men as a significant source of women’s difficulties has become a widely shared perspective.

I see these findings as a strong indication of how successfully the feminist narrative has encouraged women to blame men and male power for their difficulties. It seems clear to me that this message can encourage a victim mentality. The survey does not establish why women answered as they did, but the pattern is consistent with that narrative’s influence. And it extends well beyond young Democratic women: substantial majorities of women in every age group shown, in both parties, attributed at least a fair amount of women’s societal challenges to men.

 

One appeal of that narrative is the explanation it offers: the difficulties women face are not entirely their responsibility; a substantial share of the blame belongs to men. Recognizing some men being a problem is reasonable. Making men an explanation for women’s difficulties is ridiculous. Just imagine men claiming that their difficulties were due to women as a group. Laughable.

What do these findings tell us? What might the impact of these ideas be? We have had decades of feminists telling women that so many of the problems they face are not their fault, that they have been wronged at the hands of men, that they are victims. One of the obvious results of this massive psyop is to diminish women’s accountability. When you believe someone else is the reason for your troubles it relieves you of needing to seek responsibility. If you are not responsible then you are likely not going to be accountable. What might that do to her? What happens to people when their accountability drops? Here are a few ideas of what psychological costs can follow a victim mentality/lack of accountability:

  1. Less self-examination. “How did I contribute?” gets replaced by “Who did this to me?” That makes it easier to repeat the same mistakes​, and blame others.

  2. More defensiveness. Feedback can feel like an unfair accusation rather than useful information.

  3. Difficulty repairing relationships. Apologizing, acknowledging someone else’s pain, and changing behavior become harder if the person sees responsibility as entirely belonging to the other party.

  4. A diminished sense of agency. If others are always the cause of your difficulties, you may also come to believe that improvement depends entirely on them. Your focus becomes changing them rather than changing yourself.

  5. Growing mistrust and resentment. Expecting mistreatment can encourage defensive or uncooperative behavior, which may provoke responses that reinforce the original expectation. Research on sensitivity to being victimized supports that possible cycle.

Do you think these five may be related to women seeing others as being responsible for their challenges? Do you think they fit with a feminist narrative that repeatedly explains women’s difficulties through men’s behavior and male power? Does that narrative help women recognize both external obstacles and their own choices, or can it encourage blame at the expense of agency?​ ​Have you seen any of this in your family, relationships, or work?

​Let me know what you think.

​Men Are Good


Source: Survey Center on American Life, 2025 Civility and Morality Survey, a survey of 5,451 U.S. adults conducted through Ipsos KnowledgePanel. The original article reports 66 percent for young Democratic women selecting “a great deal”; the weighted analysis used for the additional charts gives approximately 67 percent. The 96.5 percent combined figure uses unrounded values. The additional charts and subgroup figures are from my analysis.

Original article: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/significant-figures/young-women-are-the-most-likely-to-believe-that-men-are-at-the-root-of-their-problems/

Survey topline and methodology: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/11/Civility-and-Morality-Survey-Topline-1.pdf

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