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Prejudice Against Men - Aman Siddiqi
section on the empathy gap
September 26, 2022
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Prejudice Against Men

 

The following is an excerpt from the dissertation of Aman Siddiqi that focuses on the prejudices against men. This section shows where Siddiqi begins describing the various prejudices that men face by taking a look at the empathy gap. The dissertation addresses psychologists and cautions them that the quality of the therapeutic relationship they are able to build with men is dependent upon their understanding of the prejudice men face. What a breath of fresh air!  Read the entire dissertation here 



Male Gender Empathy Gap

The male gender empathy gap refers to decreased levels of empathy for male suffering (Seager et al., 2016). Empathy takes the form of understanding the suffering of others, sharing their feelings, and experiencing an affective response to their experience. The male gender empathy gap occurs in two forms. 

First, individuals can underestimate the degree of suffering experienced by men. In this case, men are assumed to be less harmed than women by the same circumstances. For example, it may be assumed that performing difficult labor or experiencing physical violence has less effect on men. This form of the empathy gap may be facilitated by the normalization of harmful experiences which men are expected to endure. Empathy for their experiences decreases as painful situations are seen as ordinary instead of noteworthy. According to social role theory, when group members are commonly observed in a specific position, that role becomes expected from future members (Eagly, 1987). The Stanford prison experiment was an example of role theory in which college students took on the position of prisoners and guards in a real-life simulation (Zimbardo, 2007). The “guards” eventually began abusing the “prisoners” even though they were all student participants. Empathy for their fellow students was reduced because they unconsciously believed the amount of empathy people deserve is based on the role play. 

Second, individuals may feel less concern for the suffering men experience (Fiamengo, 2018). In this case, the degree of suffering is properly evaluated. However, individuals are emotionally unreactive solely because the suffering is experienced by men. This form of the empathy gap may be the result of negative stereotypes and attitudes towards men. As negative beliefs and feelings towards men increase, people feel less concern for the suffering they endure. According to routine activities theory, individuals can become “motivated offenders” when they view out-group members with “perceived deservedness” for their suffering (Cohen & Felson, 1979). The likelihood of discrimination increases when out-group members become “suitable targets” due to an absence of consequences for their persecution, and when they lack “capable guardians” to safeguard group members. The “Blue-Eye / Brown-Eye” experiment was an example of perceived deservedness in which a schoolteacher experimentally taught blue-eyed students negative beliefs about their brown-eyed classmates based on an arbitrarily novel prejudice (Peters & Elliott, 1970). The blue-eyed students began to encourage punishment against, and assume malice towards, their brown-eyed classmates. This demonstrates how negative beliefs about a group can reduce concern for its members and blunt affective reactions to their suffering. 

The Compassion Void and Helping Behavior

Compassion is expressed by displaying concern for others, offering acts of kindness, and providing help when needed. Compassion displays a desire to improve the situation of others.

One aspect of the male gender empathy gap is reduced compassion shown towards men, referred to as the compassion void (Farrell & Gray, 2018). Mr. Keig, a transgender male who transitioned at age 39, stated the biggest change he experienced after transitioning from a woman to a man was a reduction in concern from others about his well-being (Bahrampour, 2018, Para. 20). He stated that as a woman, he would receive friendliness and acts of kindness from strangers in public places, that are no longer extended to him now that he is a man.

A meta-analysis of 36 studies on gendered-helping behavior included a total of 22,357 subjects. The study found that, overall, men were less likely to receive help than women by almost half a standard deviation (Eagly & Crowley, 1986). Men may receive less help in various domains. For example, the dictator game is a social psychology experiment that evaluates helping behavior. The game involves giving money to another recipient for no personal gain. The experiment measures voluntary helping behavior. Various attributes of the game may be manipulated to measure implicit assumptions about what types of people deserve help. A study found that women received, on average, 56% more money than men from both male and female participants (Saad & Gill, 2001). This is evidence of an implict belief that men deserve less charitable aid. 

A similar experiment measured the tendency of participants to either reward everyone equally, or provide a reward based on individual performance (A. Kahn et al., 1980). It was found that when women were underperforming, participants were more likely to reward all group members equally, preventing the women from receiving less than those who performed better.

However, when men underperformed, participants were more likely to reward each group member based on their performance. This is evidence of an unconscious belief that women deserve assistance when in need, but men should only receive what they can earn. 

When people observe men in need of help, their affective responses may not provoke a sense of compassion. For example, crying men have been shown to receive less sympathy than women (Stadel et al., 2019). Similarly, a psychologist related to me a conversation she had with her son. He complained that when his sister becomes upset, his mother shows her concern and empathy. However, when he becomes upset, she chastises him and tells him to calm down. The psychologist saw her daughter’s emotionality as a signal to help, but her son’s display of feelings as something negative. The psychologist told me she was glad her son spoke to her about the bias and believed he was correct. 

The compassion void is especially apparent when men discuss the challenges or prejudices they face because they are male. When men discuss the difficulties of being male, others may be dismissive of their pain, ridicule their help seeking, minimize the issue, or invalidate their experiences by stating or implying that men don’t suffer. 

 
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Happy Father's Day

This Sunday, people will hand out ties, cards, and mugs that say #1 Dad. But if you ask me what makes a father truly irreplaceable, it’s not something that fits in a box — it’s moments like this:

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That’s good fathering.


Why Fathers Matter in a Way No One Else Can

Stories like mine are not unique — but they are becoming ​more rare with father’s being removed form the home. Too often we forget what fathers bring to the table that no one else does. We reduce them to extra hands or bonus paychecks. We pretend they’re interchangeable or optional. But deep down, and in study after study, we know better.

Fathers model calm strength under pressure. They teach boys how to be men without brute force — and teach girls what true masculinity feels like when it’s steady, protective, and kind. They bring a different energy to parenting: one that sets boundaries, tests limits through rough play, and then pulls children back into safety and love when they fall.

Dads don’t always use a lot of words, but they teach through presence, through small gestures, and through the unspoken lesson: “You can handle this — but if you can’t, I’m here.”


What Happens When Fathers Are Missing

We don’t talk about it much on Father’s Day, but we should: when dads disappear, children pay the price. Boys lose their guide for channeling power responsibly. Girls lose their first experience of what it feels like to be ​loved and respected by a good man.

The numbers bear it out: more school dropouts, more juvenile crime, more emotional struggles. A father’s absence ripples outward for generations.


Imperfect But Irreplaceable

Fathers aren’t flawless — they never have been, and they don’t have to be. For me, what mattered was that he was present. He noticed things. He knew when to offer a hand and when to let me stumble and figure it out on my own.

When I look back on that day with the saw, I realize something else: he didn’t just teach me how to cut a board. He taught me how to trust the process, how to be patient, and how to use the tools life gives me — not to force everything with my own strength.

That is fatherhood at its best: presence without suffocation, correction without shame, guidance that lasts far longer than childhood.


This Father’s Day, Let’s Remember

As we celebrate dads this weekend, let’s remember: it’s not about what we buy them, but about what they have given us — quietly, daily, in moments so ordinary we don’t even know they shaped us.

If you’re a father reading this, take heart: your calm words today may echo in your child’s mind for decades to come. You don’t need to have all the right answers. Just be there. Watch. Guide. And every so often, remind them:

“Let the tool do the work.”

Happy Father’s Day.

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June 13, 2025
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The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play
Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play

Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

Not long ago, kids roamed the neighborhood on bikes, made forts out of sticks, got dirty, got in arguments, and figured out how to make up. These weren’t activities we scheduled. They just happened. Today, that kind of spontaneous, unsupervised play is vanishing—and with it, something essential to childhood is being lost.

There’s been a quiet but powerful shift over the past few decades: adults now manage more and more of children’s lives. We organize their time, structure their activities, and hover over their every move, convinced that doing so will make them safer, smarter, and better prepared for life. But what if the opposite is true? What if removing unsupervised play is actually stunting their development?

What Is Unsupervised Play?

Unsupervised play doesn’t mean unsafe play. It means play that isn’t micromanaged. It’s when children make the rules, solve the problems, and decide what the game is. It can be solo or with peers. Sometimes adults are nearby in case of emergency—but they’re not directing the action. This kind of play is a natural, evolutionary part of how kids grow into capable adults. And today, it’s in short supply.

Research backs up what many of us have long sensed: unsupervised play is essential to healthy childhood development across emotional, social, physical, and even moral domains. And here’s the added layer that often gets ignored—boys may suffer the most when this kind of play disappears.


Building Independence and Confidence

When children aren’t being constantly told what to do, they learn something powerful: “I can figure this out.” That lesson builds confidence. They try something new, and maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. But it’s their decision. Over time, this builds independence—an internal compass that tells them they don’t always need someone else to approve or decide for them.

For boys, this kind of autonomy is especially critical. Boys often learn by doing, not by being told. Unsupervised play lets them test, fail, adjust, and master challenges on their own terms. Take that away, and they’re left with a life of instruction and correction, where adult voices drown out their own inner development.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg from the American Academy of Pediatrics has emphasized that free play builds resilience and decision-making skills—especially important for children developing their sense of agency. Boys, who are often more sensitive to control than we realize, benefit enormously from this space to lead themselves.


Imagination and Creativity Take Root

Watch kids in free play and you’ll see a burst of creativity. Sticks become swords or magic wands. A pile of blankets becomes a secret base. They’re not limited by adult ideas of “how it should go.” In fact, adults often get in the way.

Girls may gravitate toward collaborative storytelling or nurturing role-play, while boys are more likely to invent rule-based games, fantasy scenarios, or rougher adventures. Both types of play are essential. But boys in particular benefit from this rule-making process—they’re not just playing a game, they’re creating social order and testing fairness, leadership, and strategy.

Studies by Sandra Russ show that unstructured pretend play fuels divergent thinking—the kind of thinking that leads to problem-solving, invention, and art. For boys especially, who may not always shine in traditional classroom settings, free play offers a creative outlet that aligns with their natural interests and strengths.


Social Skills Without a Script

We often hear about how kids need to learn to “work well with others.” But how do they actually learn that? Not through lectures. Not through adult-facilitated “sharing time.” They learn it by being with other kids—without an adult immediately jumping in.

In unsupervised play, children naturally encounter disagreements. Someone wants to change the rules. Someone doesn’t want to play anymore. Someone gets hurt feelings. And they work it out. Or they don’t—and learn from that too.

For boys, this kind of organic negotiation is often more developmentally effective than verbal instruction. Boys are less likely than girls to engage in emotional check-ins or group conversations. But they do sort out status, fairness, and inclusion through physical and active play—what some researchers call “rough-and-tumble diplomacy.”

When adults interrupt or manage these processes too closely, boys miss critical opportunities to practice leadership, cooperation, and empathy in their own style. Over time, they may come to believe that their instincts are wrong—or worse, that they’re simply bad at relationships.


Learning to Handle Risk and Judgement

Children need to experience healthy risk. Climbing a tree or balancing on a log teaches them something that flashcards can’t: how to assess danger, how to listen to their bodies, how to push limits wisely.

Modern parenting often sees risk as the enemy. But eliminating all risk also eliminates the chance for growth. Studies by Mariana Brussoni and others have found that riskier outdoor play is associated with better physical health, improved confidence, and even lower injury rates over time—because kids learn to evaluate risk on their own.

And here again, boys are disproportionately affected by risk-averse environments. They are biologically more inclined toward high-energy, adventurous play. This isn’t a defect—it’s a design. Rough-and-tumble activity isn’t aggression; it’s exploration, boundary testing, and relational learning.

When we suppress boys’ access to this kind of play, we don’t reduce aggression—we remove a key mechanism for learning how to channel and regulate it.


Ownership, Accountability, and Consequences

When kids direct their own play, they also learn that their choices have consequences. If they leave toys out and it rains, those toys get ruined. If they make up a game that nobody else enjoys, they lose players. That’s the real world in miniature.

Adult-managed play often shields children from consequences. We clean up, we fix, we redirect. It might be well-intended, but it can rob children of the chance to learn responsibility in a natural, non-punitive way.

For boys—who often respond more strongly to hands-on learning—this kind of consequence-based development is vital. They learn best by experiencing the outcome, not just being warned about it.


Emotional Regulation and Expression

Unsupervised play also gives children the space to express themselves emotionally—without being corrected or redirected. A child who stomps off in frustration might, five minutes later, come back with a new idea. That’s emotional processing in action. No adult needed.

This is especially important for boys, who are often discouraged from expressing vulnerable emotions outright. In play, they can express frustration, ​anger, mastery, joy, or failure in ways that feel safe and embodied.

Therapists like Dr. Garry Landreth and researchers like Michael Gurian have shown how boys tend to process emotion kinetically—through movement, role-play, and active trial-and-error. In highly managed, verbal environments, these outlets dry up—and emotional development suffers.


A Word of Caution on Over-Supervision

Today’s children are often supervised to the point of surveillance. Playdates are scheduled, adults are ever-present, and rules are pre-written. Even well-meaning interventions—like constant praise, correction, or encouragement—can crowd out a child’s internal voice.

Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist, has warned for years that the decline of independent play is linked to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and learned helplessness among children and teens. And again, boys show these effects earlier and more acutely, often being over-diagnosed with ADHD, conduct disorders, or defiance—conditions that may actually be adaptive responses to unnatural environments.

Boys aren’t broken. But they’re often misunderstood. When the systems we place them in suppress movement, creativity, risk-taking, and autonomy, we shouldn’t be surprised when they rebel—or shut down.


Bringing It Back

We can bring back unsupervised play. It starts with letting go of the idea that kids must always be occupied, guided, or entertained. It means allowing a little boredom, a little mess, and a few scrapes. It means trusting that play is not a waste of time—but a form of learning that’s just as vital as reading or math.

Let the backyard become a jungle. Let the basement become a spaceship. Let the kids make the rules—even if they’re strange, inconsistent, or fall apart halfway through.

Unsupervised play isn’t about being reckless. It’s about trusting childhood. It’s about recognizing that the best kind of growth often happens when adults step back—not in neglect, but in respect for the child’s ability to figure things out.

And if we want to raise boys who are confident, connected, and emotionally resilient, then we need to stop managing their play—and start protecting it.


References

  • Brussoni, M., Gibbons, R., Gray, C., Ishikawa, T., Sandseter, E. B. H., Bienenstock, A., ... & Tremblay, M. S. (2015). What is the relationship between risky outdoor play and health in children? International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 12(6), 6423-6454.

  • Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.

  • Gray, P. (2011). The decline of play and the rise of psychopathology in children and adolescents. American Journal of Play, 3(4), 443–463.

  • Gurian, M. (2010). The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men. TarcherPerigee.

  • Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

  • Pellegrini, A. D., & Smith, P. K. (1998). Physical activity play: The nature and function of a neglected aspect of play. Child Development, 69(3), 577–598.

  • Russ, S. W., & Wallace, C. E. (2013). Pretend play and creative processes. American Journal of Play, 6(1), 136–148.

  • Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The power of play: A pediatric role in enhancing development in young children. Pediatrics, 142(3), e20182058.

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