MenAreGood
MenAreGood is a channel for men, boys, fathers, new fathers, grandfathers and women who want to learn about men and masculinity.  Are you tired of the false narrative of toxic masculinity?  Did you know there is a huge amount of research that shows the positive aspects of men, boys and fathers?  That is what we focus on here, being a source of good information and also a place to connect.   Join us!
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March 12, 2023
Excerpt from Warren Farrell's Boy Crisis

Excerpt from Warren Farrell’s The Boy Crisis
What Dad’s do Differently pgs 146-148

5. Challenging the Kids’ Limits

“Enough is enough,” Betty complained to Arnold, Marcy’s dad. “This is only Marcy’s fourth time skiing, and you’re bringing her to the intermediate slope with kids who’ve been skiing for years. And when she fell, you didn’t get the point, you just kept her out there. Suppose one of those faster skiers had run right into her? Didn’t you see how exhausted and scared she was?”

Arnold retorted, “And did she wake up early this morning, all excited to go back out there again?”

“Sure, yeah, but she’s a teenager,” Betty said. “You’re supposed to be the adult!”

Arlene told me about a similar problem with her husband, Martin, who would use a verbal equivalent to challenge the limits of their kids, Marty Jr. and Maggie. “Martin uses vocabulary that he knows Marty Jr. and Maggie don’t understand. He knows it, but when I point it out, he’s dismissive.”

“I’m not dismissive. I’ve explained to Arlene that this is the way they learn new vocabulary.”

“That’ll just frustrate and discourage them.”

“Well, I do it whenever you’re not around, and they come back for more.” Arlene and Martin both looked my way.

 I shared with Arlene the research about the positive impact that using vocabulary beyond the child’s current grasp has on children’s ability to express themselves.[i] When I explained that no vocabulary is understood when first heard, and that part of building language is to keep introducing new words and ideas until the context builds the child’s vocabulary, Arlene was more at ease. Since she was the household Scrabble champion, she gave herself permission to try it on the kids herself.

Whether in sports or school, dads will often encourage their children to challenge their limits.[ii] When a dad sees his kids trying hard, he typically lets them win, but if they are not trying to their capacity, he may let them lose. The same dad whose ego might get involved when it comes to competing against peers is characteristically selfless when he engages in competition with his child. He feels no reward from winning with his child; his victory is teaching his child to both lose and win.

A dad’s tendency to turn everything into a game is the way dad makes it palatable to challenge his children’s limits. Often the competition is “last time you ran the hundred-yard dash in fifteen seconds—let’s see if you can beat that.” The laughter and the energy created by friendly competition may well lessen for dads the stress and sense of feeling overwhelmed that moms so often report.

While it is challenging for many moms to “get” roughhousing and the degree to which dads challenge kids’ limits, what even fewer moms get is how a dad’s propensity to challenge takes time to process and therefore requires more hangout time with dad.

6. Hangout Time

Boys have to hang out before they let their feelings out. This is not necessarily true with mom, but it is with dad.

When Rick’s dad picked him up from soccer and asked him how the game went, Rick answered, “Fine.” Rick’s dad couldn’t pry another word out of him.

That evening, Rick was doing his homework on the dining table while his dad was cleaning up in the kitchen. Rick wandered into the kitchen. Eyeing up the options in the fridge, he wondered aloud, “Hey, if you do a good job playing goalie one week, but then the coach asks someone else to play goalie the next week, what’s that about?”

That was the start of a half-hour conversation. The relief Rick felt with honest feedback about his disappointment over being replaced as goalie gave him enough security to ultimately broach a half dozen other disappointments that had been quietly poisoning his psyche and unwittingly leading him down a slippery slope toward depression. Had Rick’s dad just picked Rick up from soccer and delivered him to his mom, that conversation would never have taken place.

Wouldn’t the conversation have just taken place with his mom instead? Probably yes, and perhaps with even less hangout time. Why? Rick is likely to have anticipated reassurance from his mom, but a challenge from his dad. It takes less time to prepare oneself for reassurance than for a challenge. That is why hangout time with dad is so important—to balance mom-style input with dad-style input.

When two researchers examined the many possible reasons why children do so well psychologically when they either have about equal parent time or live primarily with dad, high on the list for boys was hangout time with dad.[iii] Hangout time with dad, though, was number one on the list for girls. Although girls express their feelings more easily, what they receive most often from girlfriends and mom is reassurance. Unlike boys, who are frequently challenged by their friends (as we’ll see below), girls are less likely to have anyone besides dad to go to with the anticipation of being challenged by someone who has her best interest at heart. [iv]

That challenging takes many forms. Perhaps the one that creates the deepest mom-dad divide is teasing.

[i] Nadya Pancsofar and Lynne Vernon-Feagans, “Mother and Father Language Input to Young Children: Contributions to Later Language Development,” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 27, no. 6 (2006): 571–87, doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2006.08.003.

[ii] Fletcher, University of Newcastle, Australia, and others, as cited in Shellenbarger, “Roughhousing Lessons from Dad.”

[iii] K. Alison Clarke-Stewart and Craig Hayward, “Advantages of Father Custody and Contact for the Psychological Well-Being of School-Age Children,” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 17, no. 2 (April–June 1996): 239–70, doi:10.1016/S0193-3973(96)90027-1.

[iv] For more on girls’ safety with bio dads—and usually, but not as certainly, with stepdads—see Warren Farrell, Father and Child Reunion.

Buy the Boy Crisis on Amazon
https://amzn.to/3HgVTbr

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Ever Wanted to Ask a Book a Question on Men's Issues? Now You Can


Have you ever wanted to ask a book a question? Here's your chance.

The links below go to custom GPT's that relate to men's issues. Many are books, some are pdf's, and some are peer reviewed research papers. We will describe them one at a time below. When you go to the links simply ask whatever questions you might have and watch AI give you a response based on the book. I will be adding more books and would love to hear your suggestions for books to add.

The Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell
Fiamengo File 2.0 Janice Fiamengo
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Sex Bias in Domestic Violence Policies and Laws - Ed Bartlett (DAVIA)

Note: You’ll need a free account with chatgpt account to access any of these resources.


 

Myth of Male Power - Warren Farrell

The Myth of Male Power - meticulously documents how virtually every society that survived did so by persuading its sons to be disposable. This is one of the most powerful books on men ever written. https://chatgpt.com/g/g-68489762e8288191baaf0a6f38158a2e-the-myth-of-male-power-warren-farrell


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Taken Into Custody - Stephen Baskerville

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The New Politics of Sex - Stephen Baskerville

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Boys' Muscle Strength and Performance

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June 15, 2025
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Let the Tool Do the Work: A Lesson from My Father
Happy Father's Day

This Sunday, people will hand out ties, cards, and mugs that say #1 Dad. But if you ask me what makes a father truly irreplaceable, it’s not something that fits in a box — it’s moments like this:

I will never forget my father teaching me how to use tools. I was just a small boy, determined to show him what I could do. He set me up with a saw and a scrap of wood, probably scrap to him — but a treasure to me.

Like most little boys trying to impress Dad, I thought speed was skill. So I attacked that piece of wood with gusto, sawing as fast as my arms would move. Any other adult might have barked at me to slow down. Maybe laughed and said, “Whoa there, where’s the fire?” Or worse — grabbed the saw and finished it for me.

But that’s not what my father did. He didn’t judge. He didn’t scold. He watched, sized up the situation, and then said something​ calmly that has stuck with me my whole life:

“Let the tool do the work.”

That one line has saved me frustration more times than I can count — not just with saws and hammers, but in every area of life where patience and trust matter more than brute force. He gave me guidance I could actually hear at that age. He didn’t shame me for being eager; he directed my energy and gave me a principle to rely on.

That’s good fathering.


Why Fathers Matter in a Way No One Else Can

Stories like mine are not unique — but they are becoming ​more rare with father’s being removed form the home. Too often we forget what fathers bring to the table that no one else does. We reduce them to extra hands or bonus paychecks. We pretend they’re interchangeable or optional. But deep down, and in study after study, we know better.

Fathers model calm strength under pressure. They teach boys how to be men without brute force — and teach girls what true masculinity feels like when it’s steady, protective, and kind. They bring a different energy to parenting: one that sets boundaries, tests limits through rough play, and then pulls children back into safety and love when they fall.

Dads don’t always use a lot of words, but they teach through presence, through small gestures, and through the unspoken lesson: “You can handle this — but if you can’t, I’m here.”


What Happens When Fathers Are Missing

We don’t talk about it much on Father’s Day, but we should: when dads disappear, children pay the price. Boys lose their guide for channeling power responsibly. Girls lose their first experience of what it feels like to be ​loved and respected by a good man.

The numbers bear it out: more school dropouts, more juvenile crime, more emotional struggles. A father’s absence ripples outward for generations.


Imperfect But Irreplaceable

Fathers aren’t flawless — they never have been, and they don’t have to be. For me, what mattered was that he was present. He noticed things. He knew when to offer a hand and when to let me stumble and figure it out on my own.

When I look back on that day with the saw, I realize something else: he didn’t just teach me how to cut a board. He taught me how to trust the process, how to be patient, and how to use the tools life gives me — not to force everything with my own strength.

That is fatherhood at its best: presence without suffocation, correction without shame, guidance that lasts far longer than childhood.


This Father’s Day, Let’s Remember

As we celebrate dads this weekend, let’s remember: it’s not about what we buy them, but about what they have given us — quietly, daily, in moments so ordinary we don’t even know they shaped us.

If you’re a father reading this, take heart: your calm words today may echo in your child’s mind for decades to come. You don’t need to have all the right answers. Just be there. Watch. Guide. And every so often, remind them:

“Let the tool do the work.”

Happy Father’s Day.

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June 13, 2025
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The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play
Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play

Why Every Child Needs It—and Why Boys May Need It Even More

Not long ago, kids roamed the neighborhood on bikes, made forts out of sticks, got dirty, got in arguments, and figured out how to make up. These weren’t activities we scheduled. They just happened. Today, that kind of spontaneous, unsupervised play is vanishing—and with it, something essential to childhood is being lost.

There’s been a quiet but powerful shift over the past few decades: adults now manage more and more of children’s lives. We organize their time, structure their activities, and hover over their every move, convinced that doing so will make them safer, smarter, and better prepared for life. But what if the opposite is true? What if removing unsupervised play is actually stunting their development?

What Is Unsupervised Play?

Unsupervised play doesn’t mean unsafe play. It means play that isn’t micromanaged. It’s when children make the rules, solve the problems, and decide what the game is. It can be solo or with peers. Sometimes adults are nearby in case of emergency—but they’re not directing the action. This kind of play is a natural, evolutionary part of how kids grow into capable adults. And today, it’s in short supply.

Research backs up what many of us have long sensed: unsupervised play is essential to healthy childhood development across emotional, social, physical, and even moral domains. And here’s the added layer that often gets ignored—boys may suffer the most when this kind of play disappears.


Building Independence and Confidence

When children aren’t being constantly told what to do, they learn something powerful: “I can figure this out.” That lesson builds confidence. They try something new, and maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. But it’s their decision. Over time, this builds independence—an internal compass that tells them they don’t always need someone else to approve or decide for them.

For boys, this kind of autonomy is especially critical. Boys often learn by doing, not by being told. Unsupervised play lets them test, fail, adjust, and master challenges on their own terms. Take that away, and they’re left with a life of instruction and correction, where adult voices drown out their own inner development.

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg from the American Academy of Pediatrics has emphasized that free play builds resilience and decision-making skills—especially important for children developing their sense of agency. Boys, who are often more sensitive to control than we realize, benefit enormously from this space to lead themselves.


Imagination and Creativity Take Root

Watch kids in free play and you’ll see a burst of creativity. Sticks become swords or magic wands. A pile of blankets becomes a secret base. They’re not limited by adult ideas of “how it should go.” In fact, adults often get in the way.

Girls may gravitate toward collaborative storytelling or nurturing role-play, while boys are more likely to invent rule-based games, fantasy scenarios, or rougher adventures. Both types of play are essential. But boys in particular benefit from this rule-making process—they’re not just playing a game, they’re creating social order and testing fairness, leadership, and strategy.

Studies by Sandra Russ show that unstructured pretend play fuels divergent thinking—the kind of thinking that leads to problem-solving, invention, and art. For boys especially, who may not always shine in traditional classroom settings, free play offers a creative outlet that aligns with their natural interests and strengths.


Social Skills Without a Script

We often hear about how kids need to learn to “work well with others.” But how do they actually learn that? Not through lectures. Not through adult-facilitated “sharing time.” They learn it by being with other kids—without an adult immediately jumping in.

In unsupervised play, children naturally encounter disagreements. Someone wants to change the rules. Someone doesn’t want to play anymore. Someone gets hurt feelings. And they work it out. Or they don’t—and learn from that too.

For boys, this kind of organic negotiation is often more developmentally effective than verbal instruction. Boys are less likely than girls to engage in emotional check-ins or group conversations. But they do sort out status, fairness, and inclusion through physical and active play—what some researchers call “rough-and-tumble diplomacy.”

When adults interrupt or manage these processes too closely, boys miss critical opportunities to practice leadership, cooperation, and empathy in their own style. Over time, they may come to believe that their instincts are wrong—or worse, that they’re simply bad at relationships.


Learning to Handle Risk and Judgement

Children need to experience healthy risk. Climbing a tree or balancing on a log teaches them something that flashcards can’t: how to assess danger, how to listen to their bodies, how to push limits wisely.

Modern parenting often sees risk as the enemy. But eliminating all risk also eliminates the chance for growth. Studies by Mariana Brussoni and others have found that riskier outdoor play is associated with better physical health, improved confidence, and even lower injury rates over time—because kids learn to evaluate risk on their own.

And here again, boys are disproportionately affected by risk-averse environments. They are biologically more inclined toward high-energy, adventurous play. This isn’t a defect—it’s a design. Rough-and-tumble activity isn’t aggression; it’s exploration, boundary testing, and relational learning.

When we suppress boys’ access to this kind of play, we don’t reduce aggression—we remove a key mechanism for learning how to channel and regulate it.


Ownership, Accountability, and Consequences

When kids direct their own play, they also learn that their choices have consequences. If they leave toys out and it rains, those toys get ruined. If they make up a game that nobody else enjoys, they lose players. That’s the real world in miniature.

Adult-managed play often shields children from consequences. We clean up, we fix, we redirect. It might be well-intended, but it can rob children of the chance to learn responsibility in a natural, non-punitive way.

For boys—who often respond more strongly to hands-on learning—this kind of consequence-based development is vital. They learn best by experiencing the outcome, not just being warned about it.


Emotional Regulation and Expression

Unsupervised play also gives children the space to express themselves emotionally—without being corrected or redirected. A child who stomps off in frustration might, five minutes later, come back with a new idea. That’s emotional processing in action. No adult needed.

This is especially important for boys, who are often discouraged from expressing vulnerable emotions outright. In play, they can express frustration, ​anger, mastery, joy, or failure in ways that feel safe and embodied.

Therapists like Dr. Garry Landreth and researchers like Michael Gurian have shown how boys tend to process emotion kinetically—through movement, role-play, and active trial-and-error. In highly managed, verbal environments, these outlets dry up—and emotional development suffers.


A Word of Caution on Over-Supervision

Today’s children are often supervised to the point of surveillance. Playdates are scheduled, adults are ever-present, and rules are pre-written. Even well-meaning interventions—like constant praise, correction, or encouragement—can crowd out a child’s internal voice.

Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist, has warned for years that the decline of independent play is linked to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and learned helplessness among children and teens. And again, boys show these effects earlier and more acutely, often being over-diagnosed with ADHD, conduct disorders, or defiance—conditions that may actually be adaptive responses to unnatural environments.

Boys aren’t broken. But they’re often misunderstood. When the systems we place them in suppress movement, creativity, risk-taking, and autonomy, we shouldn’t be surprised when they rebel—or shut down.


Bringing It Back

We can bring back unsupervised play. It starts with letting go of the idea that kids must always be occupied, guided, or entertained. It means allowing a little boredom, a little mess, and a few scrapes. It means trusting that play is not a waste of time—but a form of learning that’s just as vital as reading or math.

Let the backyard become a jungle. Let the basement become a spaceship. Let the kids make the rules—even if they’re strange, inconsistent, or fall apart halfway through.

Unsupervised play isn’t about being reckless. It’s about trusting childhood. It’s about recognizing that the best kind of growth often happens when adults step back—not in neglect, but in respect for the child’s ability to figure things out.

And if we want to raise boys who are confident, connected, and emotionally resilient, then we need to stop managing their play—and start protecting it.


References

  • Brussoni, M., Gibbons, R., Gray, C., Ishikawa, T., Sandseter, E. B. H., Bienenstock, A., ... & Tremblay, M. S. (2015). What is the relationship between risky outdoor play and health in children? International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 12(6), 6423-6454.

  • Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.

  • Gray, P. (2011). The decline of play and the rise of psychopathology in children and adolescents. American Journal of Play, 3(4), 443–463.

  • Gurian, M. (2010). The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men. TarcherPerigee.

  • Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (3rd ed.). Routledge.

  • Pellegrini, A. D., & Smith, P. K. (1998). Physical activity play: The nature and function of a neglected aspect of play. Child Development, 69(3), 577–598.

  • Russ, S. W., & Wallace, C. E. (2013). Pretend play and creative processes. American Journal of Play, 6(1), 136–148.

  • Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The power of play: A pediatric role in enhancing development in young children. Pediatrics, 142(3), e20182058.

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