MenAreGood
MenAreGood is a channel for men, boys, fathers, new fathers, grandfathers and women who want to learn about men and masculinity.  Are you tired of the false narrative of toxic masculinity?  Did you know there is a huge amount of research that shows the positive aspects of men, boys and fathers?  That is what we focus on here, being a source of good information and also a place to connect.   Join us!
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November 03, 2023
Nature and Nurture

This is the work of Moiret Allegiere, one of my favorite writers on men’s issues. His insights and depth of understanding about the issues men face have great depth. He recently became a father and this is a short article on his fatherhood. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. His bio below will include ways to find more of his work.


Nature and Nurture

I have absolutely no idea where all that time went. Our son, whom I am willing to swear on all that I hold holy was born only yesterday, will turn three in February of 2024. This is weird. One of those great lessons to be learned from parenthood, I assume: time is precious, and it flies by so quickly that – if the Gods are willing – we’ll be grandparents before we know it. A concept equally terrifying and exhilarating.

There is a lot of work to be done when trying to get a farm that has been derelict for decades up and running again. Grass needs to be cut, trees must be taken down, the house needs upgrades, the barn needs cleaning, and so forth and so on. Fields have become overgrown that should have been tended to ages ago. The forest is reclaiming fields where sheep and goats once walked. All must be tended to and cleaned, and old farm-equipment and older farm-buildings must be repaired. It seems to me to be a situation that never strays far from complete and utter chaos, barely kept under control by the savage hands of a soon-to-be middle-aged white guy, who’s fondness for the axe is only overshadowed by his fondness for the chainsaw. And amidst all this, we willingly brought an agent of chaos into the mix. For that is precisely what a toddler is. And what he is supposed to be. It is for us, his parents, to teach him to find order and thus become ordered. Albeit without ever entirely loosing grip of that chaos. For chaos controlled breeds creativity, breeds needed change, breeds an elegant desire to reach beyond the borders of the ordered to explore the world as of yet uncharted by our son; his eyes, his mind, his body and his soul. There can never be a life wholly fulfilled without order and chaos working together to create wonder and to create clearly defined and much needed borders.

Where we live, we are lucky to be surrounded by nature. We have tall mountains, dark forests, fjords and shorelines. We have tall trees, dark soil, rocks and plants. All things to be explored and to be conquered and then used by our son – our very own bundle of chaos – to understand the world and his place within this world.

When the weather and my energy-levels allow, which apparently is most days, whether or not my energy-levels or the weather allows it, our son and I go for a walk outside. I have long since given up any notions of being the boss of our household. That duty falls solely on our pint-sized tyrant, whose energy seems to peak just around that time of day when my own energy dwindles. This, of course, is exactly as it should be. He is a young boy, and his kinetic energy must be spent and it must be celebrated, just as much as his natural curiosity must be explored, expanded and rewarded.

Some weeks ago, I took him down to the boathouse. The idea was to throw rocks into the fjord. Because throwing things are remarkably fun. Better he throws rocks about outside than to throw his toys about inside. I assume most will agree. However, as fortune and the weather would have it, there was a very high tide when we went down to the boathouse. All the rocks, I told him, had been eaten by the water. But, fret not my son: look at the waves coming in, isn’t that exciting?

There was a strong wind that day. There often is. And so we stood there, besides our run-down boathouse, just watching the waves coming in, crashing and receding. We did the same thing a little over a year ago, but he was way more consciously curious about everything now. There they came: tall waves, strong waves. Crashing and receding. And our son filled with awe at this wonder. So we stood there for three quarters of an hour, watching the waves, giggling with joy and excitement when the waves crashed just hard enough to splash us.

“I got wet!”, he proclaimed.

“More?”, he continued.

“You’ll just have to wait and see if another big wave comes.”, I said, holding his small hand in one hand, gently resting my other hand on his tiny shoulder.

“Big wave!”, he said.

Sure enough, another big wave came. And the giggling. And the process repeated, with slight variations, for the aforementioned forty-five minutes.

We tend to get used to these small wonders when we experience them enough. When one has become a mature adult, there is an unfortunate tendency to no longer see all this wonder that lies about oneself. The world is full of things that are, essentially, exciting and incredible. Deliriously so, if one opens ones mind to it and manage to experience it from the level of a child. The wonder a child shows about everything in the world is, undoubtedly, an essential part of childhood. One would be insane to propose otherwise. When everything is new, is experienced for the first time… or the first couple of times, it can not possibly be anything but wonderful. Marvellous. Miraculous, even. And this experience of the natural world, separated from the marvels of modern engineering… removed from the everyday miracles that make up the machinery of modern society… this experience of nature is one of the greatest gifts I could give my son. And his enthusiasm, his childish wonder and amusement at all these small things which I find I once took for granted, touches me and makes me once again see things from the level of a child, makes me appreciate the wonders that surround us more than I have done in years upon years. And here I thought I was the one supposed to teach him things, not the other way around. It just goes to show, I suppose.

No wonder then that the day after the experience with the waves, he wanted to return to the boathouse and the fjord and to “See big waves!”, as he so eloquently put it.

“Of course we can go down to the fjord again,” I told him, “but I’m afraid there won’t be that many big waves today.”.

“See big waves!” he repeated.

Fair enough, I thought. Guess this’ll be a lesson for later.

So we went back down to the boathouse. And our son was disappointed. Absolutely crestfallen, in fact, when he saw that there were no waves to splash him, no big waves to marvel at, no strong winds. Nothing but small waves.

“Dad make the big waves come!”, he said.

“No, dad can’t make the big waves come. The big waves do what they want to do.”

“Dad make the big waves come!”, he repeated, demanding. Getting upset now, preparing a tantrum. Oh man, oh shit, oh no! For this, I admit, I was ill equipped. Your father, young one, is neither God nor a force of nature (except when it comes to chopping wood). But how does one explain this to someone who is of the opinion that parents are the ones to fix everything?

That’s when it hit me – what small waves there were was gently lapping at the rocks.

Oh, man, the rocks!

He had forgotten about the rocks, it appeared.

“Look at what the waves left us yesterday.”, I told him.

“Waves haven’t eaten the rocks!”, he proclaimed, eyes bright with that wonderful light that only the eyes of children have, face glowing with that beautiful smile of his.

And so we spent an hour or so throwing rocks into the water. He of course making sure to splash me. Me, of course, not being allowed to splash him. This is, after all, the natural order of things. Not to worry though – I am able to read him, and so I splashed him a couple of times. He giggled, of course. Much like he does when I tickle him. “Don’t tickle me!”, he’ll say. And then I’ll stop and he’ll ask me to continue. I’m sure he learns something from that, though I have no idea what.

He’ll ask to go outside everyday, despite having been to kindergarten and spent hours outside already, playing with other kids. The kindergarten he attends have a very strict policy, you see – they are of the belief that free play is the greatest tool children have for learning, and so that’s mainly what they do. Which is absolutely fantastic. And I try to accommodate these wishes of his to the best of my abilities. For it is doubtlessly important for our son to spend time in nature, marvelling at it. And it is important for him to have quality-time with his dad just as much as it is important for his dad to have quality-time with him. And what better way to get that than by exploring nature?

With luck on our side, he’ll grow up with a deep appreciation for nature, and an even greater respect and admiration for it. With even more luck, he’ll learn to nurture and to cling to that natural curiosity and that natural wonder so that it does not fade away, so that it does not get replaced with a world-weary cynicism. I want him to view the world and all that surrounds us with wonder, amazement, appreciation and respect. This might be the greatest gift I can give him. Which is funny, in all honesty. For his greatest gift to me is the exact same thing.


Moiret Allegiere

Moiret Allegiere (Born 1986) hails from Norway. A self-described scribbler of lines, juggler of words and weird pseudo-hermit, he became so concerned with the state of the world that he left his long and deliberate hibernation to wreak bloody havoc on the world of fine art and literature.

moiretallegiere.wordpress.com/

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The Decline of Feminism and the Manspreading Chair - Regarding Men 27

Recorded 2020 - This conversation was recorded several years ago, but it’s just as relevant today. Janice, Tom, and Paul take a sharp look at the absurdities of modern feminism—including the infamous, award-winning “Manspreading Chair.” They also discuss the growing signs that feminism may be in decline. Take a listen and see what you think.

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Feminism: Untrue and Unhealthy

Join Tom and David Shackleton for a unique discussion of Feminism: Untrue and Unhealthy. David challenges conventional narratives and offers insights that many others shy away from. The conversation touches on his groundbreaking books, The Hand That Rocks the World and Daughters of Feminism, offering a glimpse into the thought-provoking theories that make Shackleton an important figure in our understanding of men and women. Stay tuned for a look at his ideas that continue to shape our understanding of gender.

The Hand that Rocks the World https://www.amazon.com/Hand-That-Rocks-World-Inquiry-ebook/dp/B00WRBW7X

Daughters of Feminism https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Feminism-Women-Supporting-Equality-ebook/dp/B07CK19VJK/

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The Anti-Male Propaganda in Netflix's Adolescence

In this discussion, Hannah Spier, Janice Fiamengo, and Tom Golden take a critical look at the anti-male messaging embedded in the Netflix series Adolescence. Together, they unpack the show’s characters, storylines, and the implausibility of the events depicted, highlighting how such narratives reinforce harmful cultural stereotypes about boys and men. The conversation shines a light on how entertainment media can quietly shape public perceptions, often portraying male characters as either predatory, weak, or disposable, while sidelining the real experiences and complexities of young men.

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The Way Boys Play and the Biological Underpinnings

My apologies for the last empty post. My mistake. Let's hope this one works.

Tom takes a stab at using the podcast function. Let's see how it goes.

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Boys and Rough Play

This is a short excerpt from Helping Mothers be Closer to their Sons. The book was meant for single mothers who really don't know much about boy's nature. They also don't have a man in the house who can stand up for the boy and his unique nature. It tries to give them some ideas about how boys and girls are different. This excerpt is about play behaviors.

Boys and Rough Play

Dr Orion Teraban from PsycHacks addressing male disposability.

This is an amazing video and he really lays out the case for men to value there lives. It’s amazing to a tualy see such a Video.

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The Margins of Mercy

This is an excellent essay on moral exclusion and its impact on men. It explores how men are often pushed outside the boundaries of moral concern and highlights feminism as a likely driving force behind this dynamic.

https://critiquingfeminism.substack.com/p/the-margins-of-mercy

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MHD - The Princess Treatment Exposed

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May 29, 2025
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Men in Feminism: The Wrong Conversation
a look at a recent journal article

Context Matters: Why This Article's Tone Is Especially Misplaced

It’s important to note that this article (Men in feminism: A self-determination perspective and goals for the future.) was published in a special issue of Psychology of Men & Masculinities, themed “Uncharted Territory” and intended to explore the possible future of research on men and boys. That context makes the tone and framing of this particular piece all the more jarring. The article isn’t a research study but an opinion-based essay focused on promoting strategies to increase male support for feminism. What? While such a topic might make sense in a feminist journal, its placement in a journal dedicated to understanding men and boys—and especially one tasked with envisioning their future—seems oddly out of place.

Rather than offering new insights into how men might thrive, heal, or participate meaningfully in future gender discussions, the article reverts to a familiar script: men are framed as the problem, their psychological needs treated as secondary, and their involvement tolerated only when it's filtered through feminist ideology.

The piece positions feminism not as a framework for mutual transformation, but as a moral litmus test — one that men must pass by internalizing guilt, accepting blame, and proving themselves worthy through re-education. Instead of exploring what it means to be a man in today’s world or considering the genuine challenges boys and men face, the article doubles down on one-sided concern. Feminism, it declares, is a “nuanced and multifaceted movement that aims to improve the lives of women.” Really?

If this is what the future of men’s studies is supposed to look like — a repackaging of guilt and exclusion — then it offers little to the men it claims to engage.

Coercion in Disguise: The SDT Contradictions

What’s especially troubling is how the article invokes Self-Determination Theory (SDT) as a framework — while blatantly disregarding its foundational principles. SDT emphasizes intrinsic motivation, rooted in three key psychological needs: autonomy (freedom of choice), competence (a sense of effectiveness), and relatedness (a feeling of connection and belonging).

Yet the article undercuts autonomy from the start by quoting ​Bell ​Hooks approvingly:

“Sexism and sexist oppression... can only be successfully eradicated if men are compelled to assume responsibility.”

Compelled? That directly contradicts the heart of SDT. Autonomy means choosing to engage out of personal conviction — not guilt, coercion, or external pressure. Framing men’s involvement in feminism as something they must do or be blamed for failing to do strips the motivation of all autonomy.

Worse still, the article insists repeatedly that even when men do participate, they should not expect empathy or appreciation. Instead, they are reminded:

“Satisfying men’s psychological needs does not mean absolving them from responsibility for ways they contribute to gender inequality and sexist oppression.”

Even when men try to help, they are portrayed as morally compromised — always in debt, never fully trustworthy. That guilt-laden framing suffocates genuine engagement.

The article also centers on women's needs exclusively, showing no reciprocal curiosity or concern about men’s experiences, values, or pain. It also relieves feminist women from any responsibility to be patient, non-judgmental or even make the men feel welcome. The goal is not dialogue — it’s correction. This is captured clearly in lines such as:

“It is not feminist women’s responsibility to make men feel welcome or to agree with men, adding emotional labor on top of gendered oppression.”

And:

“We do not mean to imply, however, that it is women’s responsibility to provide patient and non-judgmental spaces for men as this places an additional burden on women.”

So if feminist women are not responsible who is? The article recommends that rather than feminist women helping men understand feminism they should farm out that task to male feminists. This outsourcing of the task to feminist men — rather than encouraging feminist women to engage directly — creates a dynamic where emotional safety is offered only if men are already ideologically compliant:

“Women have good reasons for not trusting men immediately.”

There is no vision of mutual growth or shared humanity. Men are to be “retrained” by others — not included as equals. This fails to model dialogue or mutuality and instead sets up a hierarchy: feminist women as gatekeepers of virtue, men as potential liabilities who must prove themselves.

The result is a message that frames men as morally obligated to support women because of their supposed complicity in oppression, offers no space for their own stories or struggles, and then bars them from expecting even the basic empathy that would allow for meaningful exchange.

This isn’t just intellectually inconsistent — it’s emotionally cold and strategically self-defeating. It asks men to invest in a movement that clearly does not care whether they feel welcomed, understood, or respected. In doing so, the article violates not only the principles of SDT, but any realistic pathway toward lasting engagement or authentic partnership.**


A Better Way Forward: Respect, Not Re-education

For more than 50 years, our public institutions, media, and educational systems have focused intensely on the needs and struggles of women and girls. Perhaps it’s time we reverse the lens — to spend the next 50 years focusing just as deeply on boys and men.

Imagine this: billions of dollars dedicated to researching male development, crafting education and healthcare systems tailored to boys’ needs, launching public campaigns about male well-being, creating commissions and councils that advocate solely for men’s voices. And while all this unfolds, women and girls are politely asked to wait on the sidelines — to watch without participating, without complaint, as the cultural spotlight shifts away from them.

Would that feel fair?

For many women, such a proposal would feel outrageous — as if their lives, their needs, their experiences were being brushed aside. And that reaction is exactly the point.

Because for the past half-century, that is precisely how many men have felt: ignored, blamed, and left out of the conversation. While women were told “you matter,” men were told to man up. While girls’ self-esteem, safety, and education were prioritized, boys quietly fell behind — in school, in mental health, in family life. And yet, few women stopped to ask: What about the boys?

If the idea of sidelining women now feels wrong, then perhaps it’s time to acknowledge how wrong it was to sideline men for so long. The belief that men were powerful oppressors who deserved no empathy was a cultural myth — one that too many accepted without question. And the damage of that myth is now all around us.

We don’t need to swap one form of exclusion for another. What we need is balance. We need to understand that men have struggles, too — and they deserve just as much care, compassion, and attention. Real progress doesn’t come from focusing on just one sex. It comes from listening to both.

Let’s stop pretending that empathy is a limited resource. There’s enough to go around. But first, we have to be willing to offer some to the half of the population who has gone without it for far too long.

Journal
https://www.apa.org/pubs/highlights/spotlight/future-boys-men-masculinities

Article
https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fmen0000480

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May 27, 2025
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Using AI with Men's Issues


I’ve created several custom GPTs focused on men’s issues. A custom GPT is essentially a private AI tool built on uploaded material. For example, one of the links below connects to Stephen Baskerville’s book Taken Into Custody. When you click the link, you'll be taken to a page where you can ask the AI questions about the book. It will search the content and provide a summarized answer.

In my testing so far, the responses have been clear and insightful. Occasionally, the AI rephrases ideas in its own words—but in most cases, these interpretations are accurate. Still, keep in mind that AI isn’t perfect. While it’s a powerful tool, its answers shouldn't be treated as final authority.

Currently, there are four custom GPTs available:

I plan to expand this library and would love to hear your suggestions—what other material would you like to see added?

Note: You’ll need a free account with chatgpt account to access any of these resources.


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Sex Bias in Domestic Violence Policies and Laws

By Tom Golden

This GPT is designed to offer clear, professional, and well-sourced insights into the often overlooked experiences of male victims of domestic violence. It explores societal blind spots, institutional biases, and the unique challenges men face in being seen, believed, and supported.
https://chatgpt.com/g/g-68178dd19bfc8191a3475bcd8051917e-sex-bias-in-domestic-violence-policies-and-laws

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Understanding Men and Boys: Healing Insights

By Tom Golden

Built on the insights of three books, this GPT offers thoughtful understanding of the lives and healing processes of men and boys.
https://chatgpt.com/g/g-680ed336677c8191a3527bdf1d4bf17f-understanding-men-and-boys-healing-insights

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Taken Into Custody - Stephen Baskerville

By Tom Golden

Built on the insights of Stephen Baskerville's classic book Taken Into Custody. this GPT offers thoughtful understanding of the difficulties surrounding divorce.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-68239e442d0c81918469f94d38850af5-taken-into-custody-stephen-baskerville
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Boys' Muscle Strength and Performance

By Tom Golden

Research studies by James Nuzzo, PhD, and others provide insights into boys' muscle strength and physical performance.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-6824833d14d48191be9491084dd4cc8b-boys-muscle-strength-and-performance

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May 25, 2025
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Memorial Day: Honoring the Invisible Sacrifices


As we honor the men and women who have given their lives in military service this Memorial Day, we often focus on the visible sacrifices: the battles fought, the bravery displayed in combat, and the ultimate price paid with death. However, there are sacrifices that often go unnoticed, those that are felt long after the uniforms are put away, those that exist in the quiet aftermath of war: the mental and emotional toll on soldiers.

For many soldiers, the impact of their service does not end when they return home. While some are physically wounded, others carry psychological scars that may never fully heal. These wounds are not visible to the eye, but they are felt deeply—affecting every aspect of life, from relationships to career choices, to the personal sense of self.

The emotional and mental struggles faced by veterans often go unspoken. Issues like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, and survivor's guilt can haunt them for years after the war has ended. While physical injuries can often be treated or managed, the invisible wounds are far harder to address. The pain of loss, trauma, and the moral injuries sustained in combat don’t always show up on medical charts but are carried within.

Many soldiers come home, not only grieving the comrades they lost on the battlefield but also burdened with the weight of the actions they were forced to take in the name of war. The emotional turmoil of witnessing violence, the confusion of being asked to do things that conflict with their moral compass, and the isolation that can come from feeling misunderstood by those who have not shared their experiences, can lead to an overwhelming sense of alienation.

For families of fallen soldiers, the grief is layered. While they mourn the loss of a loved one, they also often wrestle with the emotional aftermath of their service. The long-term impacts on mental health are felt across generations, as the families of soldiers who return physically and mentally scarred deal with the ripple effects of trauma. The strain on marriages, parent-child relationships, and community ties can be immense, yet the support and understanding for these issues are frequently lacking.

Memorial Day is not just a time to remember the men who died in combat—it is also an opportunity to acknowledge the immense emotional and mental cost of war that continues to impact those who survive. It is a reminder that the invisible wounds of battle—those that affect the mind and spirit—deserve as much attention and compassion as the visible ones.

This Memorial Day, as we honor those who have fallen, let us also remember those who carry the unseen scars of war. Let us stand with those who have borne the emotional and psychological burdens of military service, offering our support, empathy, and a commitment to their long-term healing. After all, the sacrifice of our soldiers is not only paid on the battlefield—it is carried on long after the guns fall silent.

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