MenAreGood
MenAreGood is a channel for men, boys, fathers, new fathers, grandfathers and women who want to learn about men and masculinity.  Are you tired of the false narrative of toxic masculinity?  Did you know there is a huge amount of research that shows the positive aspects of men, boys and fathers?  That is what we focus on here, being a source of good information and also a place to connect.   Join us!
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July 20, 2023

I have missed the writing of Moiret Allegiere. He has been very busy being a new father so his absence is for a great cause. This post is titled Old White Men. I hope you enjoy it. Tom.

here's a link to Moiret's 1st book “Howling at a Slutwalk Moon”: https://bit.ly/3rELpAM

Old White Men
It has recently been brought to my attention that one should not listen to old guys. Particularly not, of course, if those guys happen to be white. And straight. I suppose the importance of the sexuality of the sleazy old white guy goes without saying, what with the world being trapped in this peculiar state of complete and utter lunacy. Yet, I felt the need to mention that little tidbit. Even though gay guys have been demoted to become the straight guys of the alphabet-soup. Yes. Alphabet-soup. Because fuck you if you expect me to remember every single letter in that ever expanding soup of personality disorders and histrionic attention-seeking. I have no problems with what consenting adults chose to do with other consenting adults. The alphabet-soup, however, is something else entirely. But, I digress.

There was a strange happenstance some time back in the 2010’s. The world finally toppled and fell after teetering on the edge for a while. And we all tumbled with it, all sideways and wonky and wobbling. None of us seem all that happy about it, to be honest. Just look at the mad fury evident in the faces of all these angered, abusive and acidic activists chronically pushing for this woke nonsense, and you will quickly see that they are not happy about it either. Or happy about anything else, for that matter. Look at them. And then tell me, with a straight face, that they ever have known anything but fury, interspersed now and then with fleeting fits of frenzied ecstasy from whatever quick-fix lobotomy their hapless hedonism brought them towards that particular night. I mean – casual sex is probably all good and fun and such, but have you ever just enjoyed a simple chocolate in bed?

Lasting happiness is a product of a by-gone era; some lost fever- dream from some strange grandpa twiddling away on his last breath, furiously wishing to regain some semblance of function of society as-is. It’s all about the immediacy of the dopamine-kick now, bringing that impatient activism towards (ironically) a long and slow burn-out. Nothing really happens that would ever bring happiness to these morons nonsensically and thoughtlessly pushing for immediate action towards the immediately available target – usually an old, white and straight guy. A being that, oddly enough, is plentiful in the western world. Go figure.

Patience is forgotten in the impatience of the immediacy; the kick of the immediate and absolute now forcing neglect of the bliss and the blessing which can only come from delayed gratification – the simple beauty of knowing that the work you do today will pay you handsomely tomorrow, or the day after, or the week after, the month after, the year after, the decade after. Patience, with all its rare beauty, is a thing of the past – a thing belonging to the old guard; the pale, stale and male platoons of retired, hard working so-called “has-beens” whose backs strongly, willfully and wonderfully carried us all towards this point of immediacy… this point of impatience and of neglectful, nasty, nihilistic nothingness where nothing existed at any point in the lives of these tragic troglodytes before this one act of accursed “activism”, nor will it ever exist after that one point of roaring, raging, ravaging screech supposedly bringing the world and society at large into togetherness and harmony, into something better… yet doing nothing but making fools of themselves and enemies of everyone and everything else.

For one should not listen to old and straight white guys. At all. The arguments, the spoken words, the mere existential value of these pale old stale old white old male old straight old guys falling on deaf ears by virtue of their immutable characteristics. By virtue of their creed. By virtue of the very happenstance of their being, by the mere randomness of their genetic population, their geographical connection, their global location, they shall not be heard, their advice heeded by none.

I spoke with, and befriended, a neighbour back where we used to rent a house. That was before we bought this farm which we are now in the process of getting up and running again after it having been neglected for, quite literally, decades. It is hard work. Combine that with raising a wonderful son – a toddler, two and a half years old, and there is precious little time left after all that must be done in regards to the farm or the house or the toddler is done to do anything else. But it is also very rewarding work. This neighbour whom I spoke with – an old guy in his seventies – all white and pale and straight and stale and male – talked a lot about his life and his experiences, as most old guys will if you ever just sit down and listen to them. He grew up on the farm which he now ran all by himself. At the age of five, he told me, his father had him get out to cut the grass. With a scythe. Because that’s what they had back then, and this was a family-farm, which meant everyone pulled their load – so to speak. They were almost completely self-sufficient. Which was way more common back then than it is now. And he spoke, and I listened, and I learned a lot. Way too much to get into here. Times were harder back then, no doubt. And this creates strong men, by necessity. And now – times are getting harder again, by the work of weak and complacent men who grew fat and bored and lazy; by the work of trend-hopping, complacent and – to a degree – brainwashed women who see no issues with jumping on the bandwagon. As long as it ain’t them getting shat on, you know.

This neighbour of ours had been working with sheep since he was 14 – that became his main “chore” on the farm. And he still kept sheep. His hobby was training sheepdogs. He had participated in, and won, quite a few competitions. All impressive stuff. On and on, over several meetings, he told me about his life and his experiences. He could talk endlessly – I guess he still can – as long as someone was willing to listen. Guess he enjoyed my company, since I was very eager to listen and to learn.

Thinking back on it now, only a year and a half since last I saw him, when I went to visit him with some parting-gifts before moving to this farm… and it is really fucking weird, because it seems like a lifetime ago and it seems as though I had known him all my life. At his 70th birthday, he told me that he guessed he had at least another ten years worth of work in him, if not more. Still impressive.

I am 37 years old at the moment of writing. Not young any more, but not exactly old either. I grew up surrounded by the chimes of this weird social malaise surrounding us now. These were chimes that would later grow to be bells, to be foghorns, to be incomprehensible gibberish shouted through megaphones by berserker non-prophets lurching queerly atop grey concrete towers in grey concrete cities surrounded by a sea of grey concrete faces. The non-prophets preach. They preach and then they piss their piss-poor preachery into the mouths of us poor and plentiful plebeians; us pitiful peasants. Then they shove it down our throats and down the throats of our children. They did back when I grew up. Through schools and through the media. The message was the same back then, but it has grown worse, more brazen, more schizophrenically insane and more boldly direct:

Don’t listen to old white guys.

They fucked up everything, and so deserve nothing but scorn and ridicule.

Everything bad in the world is due to old white guys.

And yet I learned more from this old white guy than I did in school. I know it is a cliché – to say the least – but it is true, through-and- through.

Through a few conversations – most of them due to random meetings as we were going about our different tasks during the day – over the course of a year or two, I learned more that I can put to actual practical use in my life than I ever learned in school. One thing he told me, that I will never forget, is a very simple lesson: “There is much knowledge buried in the graveyards”. This was followed by him telling me that he had recently mended his socks. All the while he was mending these socks, he was thinking to himself “Why didn’t I ask my mother to teach me how to do this when she was still alive?” This, of course, could be translated into old white guys actually learning more than a few things from their mothers, meaning that neglecting their wisdom would also mean neglecting the wisdom and knowledge of women. Which, I guess, is a big no-no in the current cuntural zeitgeist, But, you know: that is somewhat inconvenient at the moment. Men have never-ever listened to women, nor have they ever learned anything from women. Despite the inaccurate historical revisionism of these wokeists telling us that women were home with the children all the time, which was a terrible prison and a burden on the women then telling us that boys only ever had their mother to teach them things… Fuck me, what do I know? I’m just a somewhat aging white straight guy – and a proper patriarch to boot. Fuck me then: don’t listen to anything I have to say.

After we bought this farm, I have still spent my time talking with –mostly listening to – old white guys. Farmers all, salt-of-the-earth types. Whenever I meet these guys. We don’t exactly live in the most densely populated area of Norway, to say the least. Something like 300 people live here. So I don’t meet them as often as I would like.

What strikes me the most is that these old guys are way beyond retirement age, and yet they still work as hard as they can all day. Running the farm, caring for the animals, whatever. Things that demand strength, and not only physical strength. It demands willpower, patience and postponing gratification. It demands, in essence, hard work and sacrifice. Which might just be those things that one would, could and should learn from old white guys: the importance of hard work, of sacrificing things in the present so that the future will be better. Patience.

Patience and more patience. And then some more patience, just to be certain.

I fear that a lot of these old white guys know, without a shadow of a doubt, that all their hard work and sacrifice have bought them nothing but this chaotic havoc of a world, in which they are told –they, upon whose backs this fragmented future was built, are told – that they should be neglected, forgotten… that their words are not worth listening to, their opinions pointless and their arguments hateful and harsh and whatever else.

That they are, in a word, obsolete.

That the world delights in telling them this; that the grey concrete non-prophets shriek from atop their grey concrete towers in their grey concrete jungles that they – they who worked the soil, who grew food and raised animals and who worked so close to the earth that you can still smell the soil from a rainy day back in 1958 under their fingernails, don’t care about the earth, don’t care about society, don’t care about nature, know nothing about society… that they are racists and misogynists and fascists, or whatever the fuck is the latest new fanciful case of stochastic terrorism used by these woke- plague-rats so that they can, with neither shame nor regret, dutifully toss aside any dissenting opinion. In the end, it’s just an old white guy. He should not be heard.

Even though it is of the utmost importance to do so. Particularly now.

What absolute hubris to state that one should not listen to old white guys.

What a bunch of absolutely ungrateful ingrates we turned out to be.

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The Hand that Rocks the World https://www.amazon.com/Hand-That-Rocks-World-Inquiry-ebook/dp/B00WRBW7X

Daughters of Feminism https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Feminism-Women-Supporting-Equality-ebook/dp/B07CK19VJK/

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This is an excellent essay on moral exclusion and its impact on men. It explores how men are often pushed outside the boundaries of moral concern and highlights feminism as a likely driving force behind this dynamic.

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Men in Feminism: The Wrong Conversation
a look at a recent journal article

Context Matters: Why This Article's Tone Is Especially Misplaced

It’s important to note that this article (Men in feminism: A self-determination perspective and goals for the future.) was published in a special issue of Psychology of Men & Masculinities, themed “Uncharted Territory” and intended to explore the possible future of research on men and boys. That context makes the tone and framing of this particular piece all the more jarring. The article isn’t a research study but an opinion-based essay focused on promoting strategies to increase male support for feminism. What? While such a topic might make sense in a feminist journal, its placement in a journal dedicated to understanding men and boys—and especially one tasked with envisioning their future—seems oddly out of place.

Rather than offering new insights into how men might thrive, heal, or participate meaningfully in future gender discussions, the article reverts to a familiar script: men are framed as the problem, their psychological needs treated as secondary, and their involvement tolerated only when it's filtered through feminist ideology.

The piece positions feminism not as a framework for mutual transformation, but as a moral litmus test — one that men must pass by internalizing guilt, accepting blame, and proving themselves worthy through re-education. Instead of exploring what it means to be a man in today’s world or considering the genuine challenges boys and men face, the article doubles down on one-sided concern. Feminism, it declares, is a “nuanced and multifaceted movement that aims to improve the lives of women.” Really?

If this is what the future of men’s studies is supposed to look like — a repackaging of guilt and exclusion — then it offers little to the men it claims to engage.

Coercion in Disguise: The SDT Contradictions

What’s especially troubling is how the article invokes Self-Determination Theory (SDT) as a framework — while blatantly disregarding its foundational principles. SDT emphasizes intrinsic motivation, rooted in three key psychological needs: autonomy (freedom of choice), competence (a sense of effectiveness), and relatedness (a feeling of connection and belonging).

Yet the article undercuts autonomy from the start by quoting ​Bell ​Hooks approvingly:

“Sexism and sexist oppression... can only be successfully eradicated if men are compelled to assume responsibility.”

Compelled? That directly contradicts the heart of SDT. Autonomy means choosing to engage out of personal conviction — not guilt, coercion, or external pressure. Framing men’s involvement in feminism as something they must do or be blamed for failing to do strips the motivation of all autonomy.

Worse still, the article insists repeatedly that even when men do participate, they should not expect empathy or appreciation. Instead, they are reminded:

“Satisfying men’s psychological needs does not mean absolving them from responsibility for ways they contribute to gender inequality and sexist oppression.”

Even when men try to help, they are portrayed as morally compromised — always in debt, never fully trustworthy. That guilt-laden framing suffocates genuine engagement.

The article also centers on women's needs exclusively, showing no reciprocal curiosity or concern about men’s experiences, values, or pain. It also relieves feminist women from any responsibility to be patient, non-judgmental or even make the men feel welcome. The goal is not dialogue — it’s correction. This is captured clearly in lines such as:

“It is not feminist women’s responsibility to make men feel welcome or to agree with men, adding emotional labor on top of gendered oppression.”

And:

“We do not mean to imply, however, that it is women’s responsibility to provide patient and non-judgmental spaces for men as this places an additional burden on women.”

So if feminist women are not responsible who is? The article recommends that rather than feminist women helping men understand feminism they should farm out that task to male feminists. This outsourcing of the task to feminist men — rather than encouraging feminist women to engage directly — creates a dynamic where emotional safety is offered only if men are already ideologically compliant:

“Women have good reasons for not trusting men immediately.”

There is no vision of mutual growth or shared humanity. Men are to be “retrained” by others — not included as equals. This fails to model dialogue or mutuality and instead sets up a hierarchy: feminist women as gatekeepers of virtue, men as potential liabilities who must prove themselves.

The result is a message that frames men as morally obligated to support women because of their supposed complicity in oppression, offers no space for their own stories or struggles, and then bars them from expecting even the basic empathy that would allow for meaningful exchange.

This isn’t just intellectually inconsistent — it’s emotionally cold and strategically self-defeating. It asks men to invest in a movement that clearly does not care whether they feel welcomed, understood, or respected. In doing so, the article violates not only the principles of SDT, but any realistic pathway toward lasting engagement or authentic partnership.**


A Better Way Forward: Respect, Not Re-education

For more than 50 years, our public institutions, media, and educational systems have focused intensely on the needs and struggles of women and girls. Perhaps it’s time we reverse the lens — to spend the next 50 years focusing just as deeply on boys and men.

Imagine this: billions of dollars dedicated to researching male development, crafting education and healthcare systems tailored to boys’ needs, launching public campaigns about male well-being, creating commissions and councils that advocate solely for men’s voices. And while all this unfolds, women and girls are politely asked to wait on the sidelines — to watch without participating, without complaint, as the cultural spotlight shifts away from them.

Would that feel fair?

For many women, such a proposal would feel outrageous — as if their lives, their needs, their experiences were being brushed aside. And that reaction is exactly the point.

Because for the past half-century, that is precisely how many men have felt: ignored, blamed, and left out of the conversation. While women were told “you matter,” men were told to man up. While girls’ self-esteem, safety, and education were prioritized, boys quietly fell behind — in school, in mental health, in family life. And yet, few women stopped to ask: What about the boys?

If the idea of sidelining women now feels wrong, then perhaps it’s time to acknowledge how wrong it was to sideline men for so long. The belief that men were powerful oppressors who deserved no empathy was a cultural myth — one that too many accepted without question. And the damage of that myth is now all around us.

We don’t need to swap one form of exclusion for another. What we need is balance. We need to understand that men have struggles, too — and they deserve just as much care, compassion, and attention. Real progress doesn’t come from focusing on just one sex. It comes from listening to both.

Let’s stop pretending that empathy is a limited resource. There’s enough to go around. But first, we have to be willing to offer some to the half of the population who has gone without it for far too long.

Journal
https://www.apa.org/pubs/highlights/spotlight/future-boys-men-masculinities

Article
https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fmen0000480

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May 27, 2025
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Using AI with Men's Issues


I’ve created several custom GPTs focused on men’s issues. A custom GPT is essentially a private AI tool built on uploaded material. For example, one of the links below connects to Stephen Baskerville’s book Taken Into Custody. When you click the link, you'll be taken to a page where you can ask the AI questions about the book. It will search the content and provide a summarized answer.

In my testing so far, the responses have been clear and insightful. Occasionally, the AI rephrases ideas in its own words—but in most cases, these interpretations are accurate. Still, keep in mind that AI isn’t perfect. While it’s a powerful tool, its answers shouldn't be treated as final authority.

Currently, there are four custom GPTs available:

I plan to expand this library and would love to hear your suggestions—what other material would you like to see added?

Note: You’ll need a free account with chatgpt account to access any of these resources.


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Sex Bias in Domestic Violence Policies and Laws

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This GPT is designed to offer clear, professional, and well-sourced insights into the often overlooked experiences of male victims of domestic violence. It explores societal blind spots, institutional biases, and the unique challenges men face in being seen, believed, and supported.
https://chatgpt.com/g/g-68178dd19bfc8191a3475bcd8051917e-sex-bias-in-domestic-violence-policies-and-laws

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Understanding Men and Boys: Healing Insights

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Built on the insights of three books, this GPT offers thoughtful understanding of the lives and healing processes of men and boys.
https://chatgpt.com/g/g-680ed336677c8191a3527bdf1d4bf17f-understanding-men-and-boys-healing-insights

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Taken Into Custody - Stephen Baskerville

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Built on the insights of Stephen Baskerville's classic book Taken Into Custody. this GPT offers thoughtful understanding of the difficulties surrounding divorce.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-68239e442d0c81918469f94d38850af5-taken-into-custody-stephen-baskerville
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Boys' Muscle Strength and Performance

By Tom Golden

Research studies by James Nuzzo, PhD, and others provide insights into boys' muscle strength and physical performance.

https://chatgpt.com/g/g-6824833d14d48191be9491084dd4cc8b-boys-muscle-strength-and-performance

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May 25, 2025
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Memorial Day: Honoring the Invisible Sacrifices


As we honor the men and women who have given their lives in military service this Memorial Day, we often focus on the visible sacrifices: the battles fought, the bravery displayed in combat, and the ultimate price paid with death. However, there are sacrifices that often go unnoticed, those that are felt long after the uniforms are put away, those that exist in the quiet aftermath of war: the mental and emotional toll on soldiers.

For many soldiers, the impact of their service does not end when they return home. While some are physically wounded, others carry psychological scars that may never fully heal. These wounds are not visible to the eye, but they are felt deeply—affecting every aspect of life, from relationships to career choices, to the personal sense of self.

The emotional and mental struggles faced by veterans often go unspoken. Issues like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, and survivor's guilt can haunt them for years after the war has ended. While physical injuries can often be treated or managed, the invisible wounds are far harder to address. The pain of loss, trauma, and the moral injuries sustained in combat don’t always show up on medical charts but are carried within.

Many soldiers come home, not only grieving the comrades they lost on the battlefield but also burdened with the weight of the actions they were forced to take in the name of war. The emotional turmoil of witnessing violence, the confusion of being asked to do things that conflict with their moral compass, and the isolation that can come from feeling misunderstood by those who have not shared their experiences, can lead to an overwhelming sense of alienation.

For families of fallen soldiers, the grief is layered. While they mourn the loss of a loved one, they also often wrestle with the emotional aftermath of their service. The long-term impacts on mental health are felt across generations, as the families of soldiers who return physically and mentally scarred deal with the ripple effects of trauma. The strain on marriages, parent-child relationships, and community ties can be immense, yet the support and understanding for these issues are frequently lacking.

Memorial Day is not just a time to remember the men who died in combat—it is also an opportunity to acknowledge the immense emotional and mental cost of war that continues to impact those who survive. It is a reminder that the invisible wounds of battle—those that affect the mind and spirit—deserve as much attention and compassion as the visible ones.

This Memorial Day, as we honor those who have fallen, let us also remember those who carry the unseen scars of war. Let us stand with those who have borne the emotional and psychological burdens of military service, offering our support, empathy, and a commitment to their long-term healing. After all, the sacrifice of our soldiers is not only paid on the battlefield—it is carried on long after the guns fall silent.

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