A Survival Guide for Men in Couples Therapy - part one

When men enter couples therapy with their wives or significant female partners, it often feels like stepping into foreign territory. The dynamics can be confusing, the language unfamiliar, and it can seem like their needs are far less addressed than those of their partners. Many men feel "out of place."

The first section of this article serves as a primer for men, helping explain why they might feel this way. The second half offers practical ideas and tips for getting the most out of the experience. It’s worth noting that about 1 in 5 men are likely to feel more at home in the typical couples therapy environment due to biological and temperamental factors—and about 1 in 5 women might more closely resemble the typical male experience. When this article refers to “men,” it’s addressing that 80% majority of men (and that 20% of women who are similar).

Bottom line? We’re all different, but if you’re a man—or a woman trying to understand one—this article might be useful. (For more on these differences, see my book The Way Men Heal on Amazon.)

1. Why Is Couples Therapy Hard for Men?

A Different Style of Processing

The idea of sitting face-to-face and talking about emotions and hurt is foreign to many men. They might be more comfortable addressing difficult topics while doing something side-by-side—like playing a game of basketball or golfing—rather than sitting across from someone in a therapist’s office. But that’s not how couples therapy is set up, and this mismatch is just one of many reasons men may find the experience challenging.

Language Barriers

Couples therapy has its own language—a language most women speak fluently, but most men do not. This imbalance can deeply affect the process.

Imagine visiting France: your wife speaks fluent French, and you only know a little. A local invites you to his table for conversation. Who’s he going to talk to? Naturally, your wife. You’re left relying on translations and educated guesses. You probably won’t be judged harshly for your lack of fluency, but you’ll still feel like an outsider.

Now picture couples therapy. Your wife and the therapist are fluent in the language of feelings—you’re not. But in therapy, unlike France, you are likely to be judged. Not knowing this language can lead to assumptions: that you’re emotionally immature, cold, uncaring, or resistant. Many therapists believe men should be fluent in emotional expression and that it’s just a matter of effort.

“Just try a little harder, honey. It’s not that hard.”

What these therapists often don’t realize is that male biology plays a role. Men’s brains are more geared toward systems and action than emotional articulation. There’s even evidence that testosterone can impair verbal emotional expression, even when the feelings are present. Men often process emotions differently—but those differences are rarely acknowledged or respected in therapy. Instead, men’s unique approaches are often misinterpreted as deficiencies.

The Fluency Bond

This fluency gap also affects how alliances form in therapy. Just like at that French dinner, you rely on your wife to "translate" or mediate, but in therapy, your interests may be in conflict with hers. She may not be motivated to give you a fair translation. In fact, she might use her emotional fluency to bolster her position and cast you as the problem.

 

Details, Memory, and the Scorecard

Another challenge for men is how women tend to remember relationship details with far greater precision. Your wife may recall the time in 2007 when you called her fat—but you don’t. In therapy, she can quickly list a long series of your alleged missteps, while you’re still trying to figure out if what she said even happened.

Why is this? Maybe men treat relational upsets like fishing—if the fish is too small, you throw it back and move on. Men don’t tend to keep score. Women often do. So when therapy starts, she brings a bucket of old hurts. You bring nothing. It can feel like you have no case.

Could it be that men let go of the small stuff out of forgiveness or practicality, while women store it up to make a case? Maybe. You be the judge. (Your mileage may vary.)

Avoiding Men’s Emotional Pain

Another critical factor is the cultural discomfort with male emotional pain. In our society, a man’s tears often evoke suspicion—while a woman’s tears inspire compassion and action. Men know this. That’s why most avoid public vulnerability. They’re not dumb.

This bias shows up in therapy too. I’ve seen cases where a man had just experienced major surgery, the death of a parent, and job loss—all in one month—and yet the session focused on why he hadn’t been more attentive to his wife’s emotional needs.

Therapists—especially female ones—may simply relate more naturally to the woman’s experience and overlook the man’s pain. If that happens, the man walks away feeling invisible, bewildered, and alone.

2. The Role of Traditional Sex Roles

Traditional male roles emphasize providing and protecting—especially for a spouse. Women’s traditional roles focus on nurturing children and maintaining the home. In this model, her happiness depends on his performance, but not the other way around. He’s judged on how well he provides and protects. She’s rarely judged on how she treats him. His needs? No one’s responsibility but his own.

This dynamic plays out in therapy. Her needs become the agenda. His needs are secondary—if addressed at all. It’s not just the therapist; many men don’t even think to bring up their own needs. They’re conditioned to care for others, not themselves.

Independence vs. Vulnerability

The male role of provider and protector requires independence. Dependency and neediness are seen as weaknesses. Yet in therapy, men are asked to reveal vulnerabilities, admit struggles, and show emotional need. That’s a 180-degree turn from how they’re wired and socialized.

Imagine asking a woman to speak in a way that shows she’s not nurturing and caring. Would that be easy for her? Probably not. And yet we expect men to do the emotional equivalent without blinking. It’s time we showed more compassion for the bind men are placed in.

 

Therapy Is a Feminine Space

Therapy has evolved to be female-friendly—for the simple reason that women are the ones who tend to show up. The currency of therapy is emotional care and connection—more aligned with feminine norms than masculine ones, which emphasize respect, autonomy, and honor.

In therapy, the woman often claims, “He doesn’t care about me,” then lists examples of his supposed indifference. The therapist helps her unpack her pain. The man, meanwhile, scrambles to defend himself against the accusations and rarely gets to voice his own needs or perspective. He’s too busy putting out fires.

This dynamic reinforces a centuries-old pattern: women voice needs and complaints, men respond. He’s expected to improve. She’s expected to be heard.

The "Yelling" Trap

Another common issue is volume. Men and women often have very different thresholds for what counts as yelling. Two men might have an energetic, respectful argument—but if that same tone is used with a wife, she may accuse him of yelling.

He says, “I’m not yelling.” And objectively, he might be right. But remember—therapy operates by different rules. Feminine rules.

This accusation of yelling can be weaponized. When a man is making a valid point that’s hard to refute, shifting the focus to his "tone" or "volume" derails the discussion. Suddenly, the conversation is about her pain and his supposed insensitivity—not the issue he raised. This leaves him feeling ambushed, powerless, and unheard. And conveniently, it lets her off the hook.

If you’ve read this far, you already know: men face an uphill climb in couples therapy. The structure, language, and expectations often don't align with male psychology or experience. But understanding these dynamics is the first step toward navigating them—and maybe even shifting the conversation.

Where Have They Gone?

I Think I might have found the Holy Grail: The way out for men in the short term. I keep being asked “Where are the good women?”, “I can’t find a woman like my mother”,” Women nowadays are picky and difficult”, and many other questions and comments that reflect the very negative experience for men today. Especially when it comes to women and relationships. There is no doubt that for most men in our current times, pursuing modern women is an absolute waste of time. Here are some of the reasons why men are better off without a woman in this age:

Women are encouraged to make emotional decisions that only serve their feelings without any logical reasoning. One man told me, “She woke up one day and decided to break up with me after ten years because she wasn’t getting that “Feeling" anymore. Another guy said, “She decided to take the kids and leave, and live her life which means sleep around and break her family apart in the process, because she will be happier this way”. I can provide thousands of examples as to how modern women are given a green light to act upon their feelings with no regards to anything else. Your whole life investment in her, no matter how many years, can disappear in one minute. Why would any man invest in a risky project like this?

Telling women to go do whatever you want is pretty much telling them to: “go practice your hypergamous nature without remorse or consequence.” They call it “Equality for women”. Almost every modern woman who is average in everything (looks and personality) thinks she is god’s gift to humanity, Watching them talk about their demands and expectations is like watching a science fiction show with elements of comedy, until you realize that they think their delusion is very real. “I deserve a man who is tall, good looking, kind, has a great job, social status etc”. 95 precent of modern women are lining up in front of the same doors for just those guys.

 

The men they line up for—the top dogs—are taking turns with those women, and the women are completely okay with it. That’s just their nature. Their freedom from the male’s authority (The strong father and then the strong husband) exposed their nature. Women’s greatest enemies are their own free selves and the advice of other miserable women. They spend years getting pumped and dumped by the same men. Until they realize that they are getting older, and those top men do not want them for anything other than some fun. They realize that they want kids. So, they settle with the guy they never liked. And when you settle with someone you don’t like, it is easy to use them, disrespect them, and walk away.

That’s why women initiate over 70% of divorces—and an estimated 90% among college-educated women. In many cases, they simply never truly liked their husbands to begin with. The feminist society will tell her “You go girl, do whatever makes you happy”. The man ends up paying alimony and child support while she’s out looking for a stepdad—another simp willing to settle for her and play daddy to her kids. There are many of those simps, they are the reason why women are free to practice their manipulation and hypergamy openly in the first place.

And not only that, the so-called modern progressive feminist society wants you to be thankful that a 40-year-old woman who is overweight, comes with kids, attitude, masculine energy, and delusion aplenty, is giving you a slot in her planned ten simp dates for the coming week. Yup, you should be happy that your car will be the 201^st one going in that tunnel which is wider than a highway. What can you do? You are an ok looking guy with an ok job. That is not good enough for any woman except the lazy obese ones or the older ones who carry all kinds of baggage and mental issues. All the other ones are standing in line, remember?

 

But this is all your fault, because you are the man. You need to step-up, grow taller and make a million bucks. We, the modern progressive society, will keep encouraging women and give them all the scholarships and jobs instead of men, but somehow you still need to make more money and pay for the date. So, what are we going to do? Get the good ones!

Yes, find a woman untouched by all that. Feminine, supportive, emotionally stable, average size, nurturing—a team player. A keeper. One who won’t just wake up one day and act on a fleeting feeling. You can find her—but odds are, she’s a few plane rides away from the Western world.

And even then, you’ll need to protect her—from the influence of modern women around her, at work, in the neighborhood. If you don’t, it’s only a matter of time before she’s handing you divorce papers, just like her new “brave,” “strong,” “successful” female friends.

But let’s talk short term. How are you supposed to be happy without the drama, the manipulation, the zero-return investment? That woman who brings none of that baggage—she’ll give you exactly what you want. And you’ll know exactly what she wants.

No drama. No games. No manipulation.

Sadly, in a society as degraded and hopeless as ours, the best woman you can meet—if you haven’t guessed already—is a prostitute.

______________________________________

The Red Pill Philosopher is a passionate advocate for men's rights. He is committed to raising awareness about issues such as father's rights, radical feminism, female nature, the challenges men face in family courts, and the growing gender inequality in almost all aspects of society. He seeks to empower men to reclaim their voice, their God given role in society, and stand up for their rights.

[email protected]

​I was having a conversation with ChatGPT about the Netflix series Adolescence. We started discussing some of the reasons it might be anti-male. Having not seen more than a few clips of the series I had not really developed an opinion on it. (and FWIW I have no way of knowing if a spoiler alert is needed) But after reading the ideas it offered I was fairly convinced that it was correct. Then again, sometimes AI gets it wrong.

It does mention, but not elaborate on, the decades long intentional dismantling of male spaces and how this leaves boys now with few options for male spaces outside of gaming and the internet which are both under attack.

The following is ChatGPT’s take on the series. See what you think.

The Anti-Male Agenda in Netflix’s Adolescence

Netflix’s limited series Adolescence has sparked widespread debate, particularly regarding its portrayal of masculinity and male-oriented online spaces. The show follows a disturbing premise: a 13-year-old boy, allegedly influenced by the so-called "manosphere," commits a violent crime against a young girl. While media critiques of online radicalization are not inherently problematic, Adolescence appears to go beyond cautionary storytelling and into the realm of ideological propaganda. The series constructs a narrative that pathologizes male identity and spaces dedicated to discussing men’s issues. By examining the show’s premise, its selective framing of male spaces, and its lack of real-world precedent, it becomes evident that Adolescence is, in fact, a piece of anti-male propaganda.

A Contrived and Unfounded Premise

One of the most glaring issues with Adolescence is the far-fetched nature of its central premise. The idea that a 13-year-old boy would be driven to commit murder purely due to exposure to the manosphere is highly dubious. While youth violence is a real concern, particularly in the UK, there is no known case of a teenage boy murdering a girl as a direct result of consuming manosphere content. Most adolescent violence in Britain is linked to gang culture, drug-related conflicts, or personal disputes—not ideological indoctrination. By inventing a scenario in which a boy is radicalized into violence solely through online male spaces, Adolescence fabricates a moral panic, blaming men’s communities for crimes they have no real connection to.

Furthermore, the show fails to acknowledge that male-oriented online spaces are diverse. The manosphere, broadly defined, consists of self-improvement discussions, dating advice, critiques of modern gender dynamics, and—yes—some extreme elements. However, to suggest that these spaces directly create violent offenders oversimplifies and misrepresents the reality. Instead of engaging with the nuances of why boys and men seek out these spaces, Adolescence demonizes them wholesale, portraying them as nothing more than breeding grounds for misogyny and violence.

 

Selective Framing: The Pathologization of Masculinity

Beyond its premise, Adolescence reinforces a broader trend in contemporary media: the systematic pathologization of masculinity. Male struggles, particularly those of young boys navigating modern society, are rarely explored with empathy. Instead, when boys experience anger, alienation, or confusion, media narratives often frame them as threats rather than as individuals in need of support.

In Adolescence, the young male protagonist is depicted as impressionable, dangerous, and incapable of critical thinking. His journey into the manosphere is framed as a descent into darkness, ignoring the fact that many boys turn to these spaces in search of guidance, mentorship, and community. The show makes no effort to portray healthy male role models, positive masculine influences, or the legitimate grievances that lead young men to seek out these spaces. Instead, masculinity is framed as inherently toxic, with no possibility for positive expression. This portrayal perpetuates the harmful stereotype that male struggles are not worthy of sympathy, but rather should be feared and suppressed.

Additionally, the female characters in the series are portrayed as passive victims, with little exploration of their own complexities. This creates a one-sided narrative where women are innocent sufferers and men are the agents of harm. A more balanced approach would have examined the social pressures affecting both boys and girls, rather than resorting to a simplistic good-versus-evil dichotomy.

An Intentional Attack on the Manosphere

The series does not simply critique certain radical elements within the manosphere—it seeks to discredit the entire ecosystem. It is no secret that mainstream media has increasingly portrayed male-focused online communities in a negative light, often lumping together self-improvement influencers with more extreme ideological figures. Adolescence follows this trend, offering no distinction between the various branches of the manosphere. The result is an intellectually dishonest smear campaign.

For instance, the show could have explored why boys are drawn to these spaces in the first place. Many young men feel alienated in modern society, struggling with issues such as declining educational outcomes, increased loneliness, and a lack of positive male mentorship. Some turn to the manosphere for answers, seeking advice on confidence, fitness, career success, and relationships. Yet Adolescence ignores these legitimate reasons, portraying the manosphere as nothing more than a dangerous pipeline to extremism. This selective framing reveals an agenda: not to engage with the reality of young male struggles, but to vilify and delegitimize spaces where men discuss their experiences.

A Broader Cultural Trend

Adolescence is not an isolated example—it is part of a wider cultural movement that seeks to demonize men’s spaces while ignoring or downplaying issues affecting men and boys. In recent years, mainstream media narratives have become increasingly focused on framing masculinity itself as a problem. Terms like "toxic masculinity" are frequently used to criticize traditional male behaviors, while issues such as male suicide rates, fatherlessness, and educational decline receive far less attention.

This trend is particularly troubling because it creates a societal climate where men and boys are discouraged from seeking support. If male-centered spaces are continually framed as dangerous or hateful, young men may feel they have nowhere to turn. Rather than helping boys develop into well-adjusted individuals, media portrayals like those in Adolescence reinforce the idea that male identity is inherently flawed and in need of correction. This is not only unfair but potentially harmful, as it contributes to the very sense of alienation that leads boys to seek out alternative communities in the first place.

The Real-World Consequences of Anti-Male Narratives

The impact of shows like Adolescence extends beyond entertainment. Cultural narratives shape public perception and, eventually, policy. When masculinity is consistently portrayed as dangerous, it influences the way society treats boys and men. Schools, workplaces, and even legal systems may adopt policies based on the assumption that men are predisposed to harmful behavior.

For instance, the increasing emphasis on combating "male radicalization"—despite a lack of concrete evidence linking the manosphere to widespread violence—has led to social media crackdowns on men’s content. Meanwhile, discussions about the challenges facing young men are often dismissed or labeled as reactionary. Adolescence contributes to this hostile climate by reinforcing the idea that men’s spaces are inherently dangerous and that boys who question modern gender narratives are potential threats.

Conclusion: A One-Sided and Harmful Narrative

Netflix’s Adolescence is not just a cautionary tale about online radicalization—it is an ideological attack on masculinity and male-oriented spaces. By constructing a far-fetched premise, selectively framing male struggles, and failing to engage with the real issues affecting young men, the series functions as anti-male propaganda. Rather than fostering a nuanced discussion about the challenges boys face in modern society, Adolescence seeks to delegitimize male spaces and pathologize masculinity itself.

This type of media narrative is not only misleading but harmful. By perpetuating fear and suspicion toward boys and men, it discourages meaningful conversations about male struggles and alienates those who are already feeling lost. If we truly care about the well-being of young men, we must move beyond ideological portrayals and engage in honest discussions about the challenges they face. Unfortunately, Adolescence does the opposite, choosing sensationalism over truth and division over understanding.